Broken soul
by littlenightbirdy
Summary: Life never was perfect to the Winchester brothers, but now everything is going way down south, and Sam barely notices that. What is happening to Dean? What's happening between them? Set in season 9, kinda after the purge S9.(Sam & Dean mostly) /maybe mark of cain, not sure yet./ Key words/ Sam Dean Winchester,angst Cas hurt, broken soul family love sick ill suicidal comfort/
1. prolugue

**So, hey guys! I don't know how I started this story, but it's already started :D. I know, there are many mistakes, I'm not very good in English, especially writing, I guess, but I'll do my best : Tell me, if there are any mistakes! Tell me what You think! And please, review! ^_^**

**p.s. I really doubt that this prologue is good, but the following story is much better! ;)**

**Good reading,**

**Prologue_*****

Not everything was perfect in Winchester's lives. Never was. But it never was too bad either. It always was somewhere in the middle of it. The golden middle.

They always had their issues. More or less. But it never was as bad as it was now.

Dean remembered, how hurt he felt, when Sam left to Stanford without even saying 'goodbye'. Then he felt like someone ripped a tiny piece from his soul and crushed it, throwing it away.

Of course, Sam came back, but just because Dean arrived and Jess died. And dad went missing.

_Dad._

He left him alone too. Without a word either, just left.

And then… then John died because of him. All he felt was deep black hole in his chest. Deep black hole of nothingness. He was broken.

And then months after, Sam died too. Dean felt like his soul was nothing but pieces, like a shattered mirror. No way it's gonna be the same. But he pretended that everything was fine. Like always. He put a mask on his face and everything was fine. As it should be. **Fine.**

But he fixed everything and Sam was alive, breathing, healthy, and a year later, Dean went to Hell. He was in place where he felt he belonged. For what he has done.

But when he came back from the Pit… he knew his soul was nothing but pieces. Small tiny pieces of himself. He was broken. He knew that, he felt depressed. He didn't want to live, but he had to. For Sammy. He pretended that he was fine. Maybe a little traumatic because of Hell, but fine. Sam never knew, what he was truly feeling deep inside. He knew a little, but nothing that can describe the truth. Broken soul. And his secret makeouts with Ruby wasn't helping the pain he was feeling. Not at all.

Then all this shit with Lucifer, Michael, and the rest of the Angels, Bobby's death, Leviathans and other things… he had to be strong. It was his duty. No matter what, he had to pretend, that he was okay. He always is.

But when he figured, that Sam didn't look for him while he was in monsterland, he felt betrayed. If Sam didn't look for him, that means, that he also doesn't love him anymore, that he doesn't care. It was just one more knife into his already damaged soul.

And the trials… Dean knew, it had to be him, not Sam, doing them. He just screwed up with that helhound, and Sam had to clean up his mess. As always.

And then BOOM!

Kevin died because of him. Sam didn't trust him anymore. He didn't want them to be brothers anymore. He would not save him. He wanted to stay away from Dean. Maybe even hated him. Sam was looking at him like he was poison. And that was how he felt. That look full of betrayal, not-love, disappointment, even hate was pulling life away from Dean.

And that was the final straw.

Dean literally felt his soul shattering to pieces. After he said those four, at the first glance innocent words, _'No, Dean, I wouldn't'_, his soul and his entire being had broken. It felt like something, that he always tried to fix, glue it over and over, broke again, once and for all. Maybe beyond repair this time.

And even if Sam noticed that, he didn't stop damaging it.

However the question is; whether or not it will be too late to fix this.


	2. Distance Shattered glass

**Okay, it's already after 2am, and I am really exhausted today, and all I want is go to bed, that's why this chapter is so short. And I'm praying, that there will not be many mistakes, but I think there are… So, please, review! : Good night or day for everyone! ^_^**

**...***...**

_**The scariest thing about distance is that you don't know, whether they'll miss you, or forget you.**_

_**...***...**_

Chapter 1

Dean was lying on his bed in the bunker.

It was three days after Sam told him everything straight. And he was hurting.

First thing he felt, was emptiness. Like he was an empty shell by the sea. cloud of nothingness. Like there was nothing left inside. And he felt, like there was endless black nothing inside of his chest. Blackest hole. Nothing more.

Also he felt numb. Numbness everywhere. Numb to the world. He even didn't care, if he was sleeping, eating or not. He just stopped caring. He only drank whiskey to numb the pain he felt.

And he felt pain. He didn't know, where it was coming from, not like he cared. Not like anyone cared. It was inside of his chest and head. Like someone chopped and stabbed him with glass. Almost non-stop. He even had a fever. He was shaking. But he didn't care.

_I've got nothing to lose now. Nothing. I'm already __a__ piece of shit. No one cares about me, not even my damn self. Geez, Sammy hates me for what I've done. He can't even look me in the eye. But I don't blame him. I hate myself too._

He knew something was wrong with him.

Like, _really _wrong, but he just didn't care.

He knew, that something is broken inside of him right now, and he couldn't fix it. Maybe no one cans. But the pain he felt at the moment, he felt like he deserved every second of it.

Suddenly Dean felt tears in his eyes.

He couldn't build the walls to hide them, not anymore.

And he hated that.

He hated, how weak he is.

And then he got angry.

He grabbed glass of water from the table and angrily threw it against the wall.

It shattered. Left just pieces of it on the ground. Dean pick some of them up.

"Like me." Dean thought, while clenched glass in his hand.

Blood appeared.

Dean felt calm. He just stared at the blood and felt relief. Like some poison withdrew from him.

He still did nothing just stared.

Didn't try to stop blood seeping from his arm. He just waited.

.

.

Sam was sitting in the library.

He heard glass crashing sound, then creepy silence, but he sat still, didn't move. It was Dean of course. There were sounds coming from his room these days, like crashing, bumping and other noises like that.

He hadn't seen Dean for three days now. Hadn't seen him even eat. If not sounds, Sam would probably think that he's dead.

And he was kinda confused about it.

_Did my words hurt him so bad? Well, he's got what he deserves. After all, I'm not the one who started this. _

But there were thoughts like 'maybe he's sick?' 'Maybe he has done something to himself?' and everything always ended 'None of your business. He's not a kid. And he deserves that. Leave it be.'

Sam knew it was wrong to think like that. But he also knew, that Dean had to learn this lesson once and for all.

But still, he couldn't shake the feeling, that something is wrong. His instincts were screaming _wrongwrongwrong_, but Sam just ignored them.

And maybe he shouldn't have.


	3. Driving

**So, hey ;) I know, not many people reading this, but I wanna express myself. Eh, whatever :**

**Chapter 2**

Alastair stood before his eyes with a bloody knife and smiled.

"Well well, Dean, I never thought that you will break again this easy, but you did. I worked well, didn't I? Well, this isn't over, not for you anyways. Let's have some more fun."

Alastair put the knife inside Dean's shoulder and twisted it.

Dean screamed in agony.

_Bam bam bam._

Someone was banging at something.

Then again, _bam bam._

Dean opened his eyes.

He was in his bed, in the bunker, there was no Alastair, no blood, there was nothing. Probably, he fell asleep somehow.

_Bam bam bam._

"Dean, are you there? Damn it, say something!"

It was Sam.

Sam was banging at the door and calling Dean to answer him.

"What?" Dean asked.

He looked at his left palm; it was all bloody and sore. Glass cuts. And there was blood on his shirt and bed. He needed to clean this up.

"Nothing. I found a case. You're in?" asked Sam.

"Yeah, yeah I'm in. Just gimme ten minutes…"

"Okay. Hurry up."

Sam walked away.

Dean let out a deep breath.

So, Sam found a hunt. Awesome. Another long trip with Sam, who would throw angry looks at him during the whole trip, not trusting him and not believing in him. Just great.

Anyways, Dean cleaned himself up and walked out of the room. He grabbed some sleeping pills from the table. Maybe this would help. Maybe then he will be able to sleep without Alastair in his dreams. If not… then whatever.

.

.

Sam found a case somewhere in Lawrence, Kansas. Poltergeist. Easy task, but still. Dean wouldn't be happy to go in there again, but it's his problem. He went to tell Dean about it. He banged at the door for few minutes, and just then Dean answered him.

He sounded pretty exhausted, with some kind of pain in his voice.

Sam decided not to see that.

Then he walked away and waited for Dean to show up.

When he walked in the room, Sam frowned a little.

Dean looked sickly and was walking kinda strangely. His eyes were confused, out of focus. But Sam didn't say a word.

"Ready to go?" he asked.

Dean looked at him with wide eyes.

"Yeah…" he said quietly.

Sam grabbed their duffel bags and walked out, not waiting for Dean.

Dean followed him quietly.

When they came to the Impala, Dean thought, that Sam will drive. But Sam was already sitting in the passenger seat, waiting for him.

Dean climbed into the driver's seat. He didn't want to drive, even with his Baby. He was just too tired from restless sleep or sleepless nights, or even because he wasn't eating.

"So, where we're going? What case?"

Dean drove Impala out of bunker's garage.

"Uhh.. some kind of poltergeist in Lawrence, Kansas." Sam said watching Dean's face closely.

Something inside Dean twisted, but his face stayed calm.

He didn't want to show that it bothered him. He was too tired to show it. And that pain inside of his chest and head wouldn't disappear. It was just growing worse.

"What poltergeist?" he just asked.

"Well, I don't know," Sam replied annoyingly. Dean didn't show any emotion when he mentioned Lawrence. That was strange. "Apparently, in one non-dwelling house, someone is throwing everyone off the stairs. You know, house like this is popular between teenagers and that. So, there were two teenagers who thought, that it'd be fun to take a short night trip in haunted house. So, they went in and came out not as healthy as they went in. They said, that they just climbed up the stairs when something threw one of them down. Another one freaked out and ran away from that house with his friend. They also said, that that thing didn't want to let them out. It was throwing things at them and such. But they got out. The one who was dropped from the stairs got few broken ribs and a banged head, nothing too serious. So, what ya think?"

"There's nothing to think about. Just one crazy and pissed asshat. Simple salt and burn." Dean said without any emotions.

Sam just looked at him strangely, but said nothing.

But the bells inside him were ringing non-stop.

He knew something was wrong. But for once, he wanted to be selfish and do what was best for him.

.

In the meantime, Dean was driving.

It was a three-hours drive. Driving in silence.

But he didn't turn his music on, since he had a serious headache. And at this point, he appreciated silence.

He saw when Sam looked at him strangely few times, but he couldn't care less.

He knew, that Sam doesn't care, not anymore. And suspected that Sam choose the hunt in Lawrence, because he wanted to hurt Dean.

And well, it worked. He felt more hurt than before. Even that pain grew worse. It looked like something inside of him was carving him with an invisible knife non-stop.

But Dean knew he deserved it.

After what he did to Sam, what happened to Kevin, it was all on him. He started it in the first place. Sam had every right to be pissed.

Dean frowned and gripped the steering wheel more firmly when pain hit him again,his injured palm protested from the action.

Sam looked at him, saying nothing.

Dean ignored everything and focused on the road.

It was a long drive.


	4. Crappy day in Lawrence

**Oh my God, it's July 1st, can you believe that? :O I don't. and I wanna boast, that I finally have little cute cat in my house^_^. Anyways. Sorry for mistakes and good reading!:**

_My heart was taken by you, broken by you, and now it's in pieces because of you._

_It hurts when you realize you are not as important to someone as you thought you were._

**Chapter 3**

**.**

.

After 3 hours they were finally arrived in Lawrence.

The drive was very long. Neither were talking, just driving in silence.

Sam looked through the window and Dean… well, he wished he could drive faster. Pain was growing worse by each passing minute, and he was terrified, kind of. He didn't want Sam to see that, especially when he was frowning every time when another wave of pain hit him harder. He just wanted to pull over and hit someone very hard.

But Dean knew, it wasn't going to happen.

So he just sat, pretending everything was okay.

When they finally were at the motel room, Dean locked himself in the bathroom.

He just stood before mirror and looked at himself, for the first time in a few days.

He was shocked by the man staring back at him. He couldn't recognize himself.

He was pale, eyes bloodshot, dark bags under his eyes, and he looked exhausted.

Well, he _did_ felt tired.

"Uhhh," Dean said through clenched teeth. The wave of pain hit him again. He closed his eyes and leaned against the sink.

_What the hell is going on with him? Where is this pain from? What the hell?_

Dean took a deep breath and calmed himself down.

_Everything is okay._

Then he grabbed some painkillers from the bottle and took it.

He knew that painkillers didn't work with him very well, but he just wanted a moment of peace. Maybe even get some sleep, since in the last three days he slept just an hour, maybe one and a half. He needed to sleep.

He wanted to take a sleeping pill, but he already took painkillers, so better not. Then he headed out of the bathroom.

"I'm gonna get some sleep," he said to Sam.

"But it's just 4.53pm" Sam said reproachfully.

"Fine. Then I'm going out." Dean grabbed his jacket from the bed and stormed out of the room.

"Dean, I didn't mean…" Sam started, but it was too late; Dean was already gone.

.

Dean walked out of the motel room, but he didn't know where to go. He was thinking about bar, but better not. Painkillers and whiskey? It can put him in coma quickly.

_Not such a bad idea after all_

He wanted to sleep badly, but when Sam criticized him about it, he agreed. If Sam didn't want to let him sleep, then fine. He won't.

Then he decided to do something useful. Like find something about the case.

Maybe then Sam will let him sleep.

.

.

Sam cursed himself.

_What the hell has he done?_

Dean just wanted to get some sleep, and he practically told him not to.

_Shit._

Dean looked like shit already, Sam hadn't seen him eating for days, he wasn't sleeping either, so why the hell he didn't say 'yeah, okay?'. _Fuck_.

Sam closed his eyes for a second.

Why can't he be more friendly or something?

_Because Dean betrayed you, forced you to say yes, was lying to you. He deserves that. Deserves to feel like shit._

He looks like shit.

_Even better_.

Sam shook his head from inner conversation he had.

'This is crazy' he said.

.

.

Dean came back at the motel at 8.46pm.

He was exhausted as hell. And pain was more intense than before. Much worse.

Sam was sitting right before his laptop, when Dean came in.

"Hey," he said.

"Yeah," Dean answered quietly.

He put his jacket off and hardly sat on the bed.

Sam looked at him strangely.

"Okay, so I asked some locals about that freaking ghost activity," Dean started. "Apparently, it's not the first time when it attacks people. There are more. Like month ago, couple kids wanted to have some fun too, but barely managed to escape. That ghost got them good… all three spent some time in a hospital. And before them were accidents, but no one come out of that house unharmed. There were even some deaths, year ago or something. But no one has been able to tell, who that ghost can be. Like they're scared of something," Dean spoke.

Sam nodded.

"Okay, so we need to figure, who the hell is this guy and why is he doing what he does. If locals don't wanna talk about it… we'll have to check ourselves."

"Yeah, whatever" Dean said and turned around. Pain hit him again. "I'm gonna take a shower" he added.

.

Sam was kinda surprised by Dean's behavior.

And he still looked like crap.

Sam heard the running water. Then Dean saying something like "Jesus Christ" and slam into the wall.

_What the hell?_

Sam stood up and came to the door.

All he heard was running water, but he could swear to God, that he also heard slam into the wall again. Or a muffled voice of Dean.

That was definitely strange.

.

Dean felt pain crawling inside of him, and he couldn't do a damn thing, just wait for it to pass a little.

He turn shower on and hit his fist hard into the wall.

'Jesus Christ, what the hell?' his voice came out, muffled.

Then he calmed himself down a little. He didn't want Sam to hear it.

_Like he gives a damn._

Then he walked in the shower and tried to take a deep breaths. In and out.

_C'mon, man, take a damn shower and calm the fuck down! You had worse! So suck it up! After the shower you can go to sleep and forget about it. _

Dean calmed himself down, wondering, how many sleeping pills he should take.

Suddenly he felt nauseous.

"Calm the fuck down" he said again.

Gee, he wanted it to stop.

.

.

When Dean finally got out of the bathroom, all he did was head to his bed.

"Goodnight, Sam," he said and hardly lay down on the bed.

Sam looked at him confused. It was just 9.14pm. Dean usually went to sleep about 1am or something, never that early. But this time all he said was "Goodnight, Dean."

.

Dean lay down on the bed.

He was exhausted as hell, pain was getting more intense and he couldn't pretend that everything was okay anymore. He turned around to the other side, closing his eyes and biting down on his lip when the wave of pain hit him again.

Then Dean felt as sleeping pill started to work. He inhaled one shallow breath before another wave of pain.

Then he felt peaceful dark creeping in, and he welcomed it.


	5. Long night

**Hey! Well, now I'm spending summer in the village, so, I'll be able to post something just at nght or something. :D Gooooood reading :33 :**

.

**When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need punishment; he needs help. That's the message he is sending.**

**.**

Chapter 4

.

.

Sam was watching Dean closely.

He saw how his shoulders tensed, he heard how he breathed unevenly. Then he calmed down.

_This wasn't __normal__._

Anyways, he still got research to do.

So he did.

.

.

Dean was sleeping peacefully, but then he suddenly jumped.

Pain was there again, more angry and more intense

"Oh God," Dean muttered and lay on his back, holding his head in his hands.

His chest felt like it was on fire, head wasn't better. It felt like someone was stabbing him all over again. Real agony.

Dean took a shallow breath.

He needed to relax.

_What the hell is that? Why is it happening? What's wrong with me? __**Jesusfuckingchrist!**_

Dean grinned his teeth, holding a scream, when another wave came crashing in.

He pressed his arms on his forehead and closed his eyes firmly.

Another wave of agony.

Dean rolled on the other side and let out a silent cry of pain.

Then he felt nauseous.

He jumped out of bed and headed to the bathroom, closing the door behind him with a loud bang.

Then he emptied the contents of the stomach and leaned heavily against the sink and rinse his mouth.

Pain hit him again.

His knees buckled and he sat on the floor, back against the wall. He held his head in his arms and prayed that this agony would end.

But it didn't.

He groaned again.

_I can't take this anymore._

Wave of shakiness and pain rolled all over him.

_Oh God..._

Now Dean was shaking. He felt cold, but his skin was warm. Too warm. He knew he has a fever, but he didn't care. Like he ever cared about himself. Head was pounding like someone was hitting it with a hammer. All his body ached.

And then it was all over. Like it never happened.

Still, Dean sat on the floor unmoving, he was building up strength he needed to stand up and walk.

And in what that looked like an hour, he finally managed to do that.

For a second he felt dizzy.

Then he walked out of bathroom and limply fell on the bed, exhausted.

He was bone-deep weary… even more than before.

He inhaled a shallow breath and the darkness was creeping again.

.

.

Sam was lying on the bed, eyes wide open.

He woke up when he heard Dean loudly waking up from the sleep.

He heard a shallow breathing, then voice, full of pain mumbling 'Oh god', and again – groaning. Then Dean jumped up and headed to the bathroom. Sam heard how he was emptying the contents of his stomach, then he heard water running.

Then it was a noise that sounded like someone fell on the floor.

Sam immediately jumped from his bed and stand just before Dean's bedroom door, ready to kick it in. But before he did, he listened.

He again heard Dean groaning and his words, full of hidden pain 'I can't take this anymore.'

It sounded alarming.

"_What the hell is going on?_" Sam thought.

His thoughts were interrupted by another groan and his brother exclaiming, 'Oh God'. It really sounded bad.

Then it was another hiss of pain, and then – silence.

Sam came back to his bed, worried, not wanting Dean to see him standing in front of the bathroom's door, spying. He waited Dean to come out any second, but he wasn't showing. It was deadly silent everywhere.

Sam heard something screaming inside of his head.

_Go check your brother! It's not right! Wrongwrongwrong!_

But he didn't move. Maybe it was pride or something else, but he was pissed at Dean. And Dean didn't call for him, not even once. If something was really wrong and he wouldn't be able to handle it, he would tell Sam about it. Won't he?

Sam waited.

About 20 minutes have passed and then, just then, Dean walked out of the bathroom.

Sam didn't show any signs, that he's awake, but he followed Dean with his eyes half-closed.

Dean looked like a ghost.

He just fell on the bed and didn't move anymore.

What the hell?

Sam watched Dean, frowning.

He watched him for a long moment, but nothing happened again.

Sam coughed loudly on purpose.

Dean didn't show any signs that he heard it.

Sam coughed again, more loudly this time. Then he said 'Dean', loudly enough.

Dean didn't even flinch, showed no signs that he heard Sam. The rise and fall of his chest was even.

Sam frowned.

Even when they were kids, if Sam even sneezed a little, Dean was out of his bed in a matter of seconds, asking, if he was okay, if he needed something. And when Sam called him, he was always here to help, annoyingly asking, what he wanted, if he was alright, what was wrong or something. But it never was like this.

Dean was completely out of it, and Sam didn't like it.

"But maybe it's just a flu or something. He'll be fine. Or that thing he eaten wasn't good. Eh, he had worse" Sam thought and then he went back to sleep.


	6. From the past

**Heeeey, i've got two chapter written already, so... Good reading! ;D**

**Chapter 5**

.

Sam woke up at 8.14 am. He turned his head to a side and saw Dean, lying in the same position from last night.

Sam just stood up, went to run for about two miles, then came back and took a shower. Everything lasted for a whole hour, but when Sam headed out of the bathroom, Dean was still sleeping.

"Hey, wake up!' Sam shouted loudly.

When Dean didn't show any signs of hearing him, Sam shook his shoulder roughly.

"Hey, I said wake up! We got a hell lot of work to do, so get your ass out of the bed!" Sam said angrily. Still, he decided to behave like he knew nothing. Like nothing had happened. And he did. Besides, he didn't feel like he have to do something about it. If Dean has some problems it's none of his business. After all, Dean didn't bother to ask him, if he wanted to let an angel in, or not. It's not his problem.

After a round of shaking, Dean finally stirred.

"Uhhh, what ya want?" he asked with a strange voice. As if Sam didn't awaken him, but put him back in misery again. "Five more minutes," he added quietly.

But Sam wasn't so pleasant; he shook Dean's shoulder more forcefully and shouted "I said, get UP! We've got a case, there's no time for your tardiness. So get the hell up!"

Dean took a deep breath and sat up.

Sam went to his laptop and searched for something.

Dean, in the meantime, stood up hardly and walked inside the bathroom to take a shower.

.

When Dean finally got out of the bathroom, Sam said:

"Okay, so we need to get some more information. It's a bit strange; there's no information what that ghost could be, like he doesn't exist at all. And we also need to go to the grocery store or something. if you're ready, we can go eat some breakfast."

Now Dean was all dressed up and was listening to Sam.

"You go if you want. I'm not hungry," Dean mumbled. "I'll do some research or something. Go," he added with low voice, not looking at Sam.

Sam looked at him disbelieving. Dean was always hungry, no matter the time or occasion.

"Okay. I'll be back in hour or so."

"Yeah, whatever."

.

.

Sam ate breakfast at a small diner and decided to go to a store he'd seen earlier to shop.

"Sam? Jesus, kid, it's so good to see you!" someone exclaimed from behind Sam.

Sam was sure, that the stranger had to be a demon or something dangerous, but when he wearily turned around, he saw a familiar face in front of him, which he hadn't seen in years.

"Missouri?" he asked, disbelief colouring his voice.

"Yeah, still me, Sam," said Missouri, gazing at Sam. "So, what are you doing here, kid? Where's that brother of yours?"

Sam smiled.

"He's in the motel, I think. We found a case in there, some kind of ghost in another side of town. I guess you know about it, don't you?"

Missouri smiled.

"Yeah, yeah, Sam. So, how's the case going so far?"

"Not very good. There's no information who that ghost could be, nothing. Locals don't want to talk about it. It's like they're avoiding something, or are scared of something. I don't know what to do anymore."

"Yeah, you're right. The locals aren't willing to talk about what's going on. Well, why are we talking in this store about ghost? People might think we're crazy. You know what, come into my place for dinner, Sam. And don't you dare to ditch me. Of course, don't forget to bring Dean. He's invited too. I hope he's alright?"

"Yeah, yeah, Missouri… he's fine."

She gazed at Sam strangely.

"If you say so… Okay. I'll wait you at my house today… at 6:30 pm. Don't be late. See you soon, Sam. I'll tell you everything I know about the ghost. Goodbye, my dear."

"Yea, till later, Missouri. And thanks."

"You're welcome, child."

.

.

Dean sat on his bed, laptop on his lap, and was searching something useful on internet.

But there was nothing. _Nothing_.

And then it happened again.

Pain was suddenly back, angry and furious.

"Jesus Christ, not again…" Dean groaned.

Pain stabbed through his head like a knife.

"Aai!" Dean almost threw his laptop on the floor. He rushed to grab his head in both his hands.

Then pain was right in his chest and was pulsating through all his body. Dean felt like he was back in Hell again.

'_Jesusfuckingchrist_!' Dean screamed when pain hit him again.

Then he remembered how Alastair tortured him in the Pit. It felt exactly like this. Then one thought crossed Dean's feverish mind "_Maybe I am in Hell? Maybe they brought me back, because of what I did? Maybe I am such a burden that it's better to drag me down than to be with me? Oh God…"_

Pain hit him again like a ton of bricks. He felt his whole body was shaking uncontrollably. And then something else, something new, like a seizure happened.

"Gee, someone kill me…" Dean mumbled.

And after whole five minutes it was all over. But it felt like it had been about a whole hour or more.

Dean lay on his bed, now exhausted and worn out.

These… pain attacks were exhausting.

And now… Dean was still trembling a little, but he tried to calm down himself. It wasn't easy. He didn't want Sam to see him like this, but even if he will see him like this, it won't change anything. Sam didn't care about him.

Not anymore.

.

.

When Sam returned to the motel room, he saw Dean lying on the bed, paler than before, with his arms on his eyes.

"Hey," Sam said.

Dean just raised his hand to show, that he heard him. He was too exhausted to talk at the moment.

"I bought bear, some taco too, also water, coffee, I grabbed some chips and flakes, and… pie," Sam enumerated.

"Good," Dean said quietly, not moving his arms from eyes.

Sam looked at him worriedly.

"Guess who I met in the store?" he asked, but didn't get any answer. "Missouri. Remember her?"

"H'w could I f'rget?"

"So, she invited us to have dinner with her at her place. And she also told me, that we won't find anything about that house. She talked kinda mysteriously. So, dinner at her place at 6:30 pm. She also said, that she will tell us everything. So, what ya think?"

"About?"

"Missouri. What do you think about Missouri and that she invited us to have a dinner at her place?"

"Nothing," Dean said sluggishly.

Sam couldn't take it anymore.

"Dude, what's up with you?"

"Nothing. I'm fine. Now back off."

Suddenly Sam's concern was replaced by anger.

"Don't be a dick," he said harshly.

"Whatever" Dean mumbled with no emotions.

Sam looked at him in disbelief.

"6.30pm. Don't forget."


	7. New flash, Sam

**This is other chapteeer !: whoohoo ;))**

**.**

**If you love the person, don't leave him. That distance could kill him (me)**

**.**

**Chapter 6**

.

Sam was the one driving the Impala this time, as Dean appeared too tired to carry himself even to the passenger seat, let alone drive. Sam and Dean arrived at Missouri's house.

"Sam! Dean! You're finally here! Gee, the spirits have been talking so much about you two!" Missouri welcomed the guests. 'C'mon, come in, come in!'

Sam and Dean entered.

"So, how are you two doing, huh?" Missouri asked.

"Fine," they both said together.

"Gee, all you hunters are always fine. Incredible."

"Missouri, how are you doing anyways?" asked Sam.

"I'm fine, boy, thanks for asking."

Missouri stepped back and gazed them both.

"Well, thanks for coming again," she said and took Sam's hand for a second, then Dean's. It looked, like she was reading information when holding hands.

When she held Dean's hand, she frowned a little, but said nothing.

"Well come in, let's have some dinner, enough standing in this hallway."

They sat around the small circular table. There was good smelling chicken on it, grapes, apples, strawberry pie, few bottles of water, and some other things. Not much.

"I didn't prepare very much, I know you are here, because you want to hear about that house and ghost."

'Yeah' Sam answered.

Dean, however, didn't touch his food. He hadn't been feeling good for days, but today he was feeling worse. Those pain attacks were sucking life out ofhim.

And he was fearing, that pain will hit him again, while he was at Missouri's place. And he desperately begged and almost prayed that it wouldn't happen.

Missouri noticed that Dean wasn't eating anything.

"Dean, dear, are you alright?" she asked with soft voice.

Dean raised his head. Missouri was looking at him worriedly.

"I'm fine," he said, trying to sound as normal as possible.

"Okay," she said with disbelief. Of course she didn't believe, after all, she could read minds.

"So, Missouri, what about that house?" inquired Sam.

"Oh, right, I forgot. Well, about five years ago in that house a man named Roger Thompson was killed. He was revolting, disgusting, a real scum. He was mean and he was kinda raged all over the town, even tried to kill his neighbors, when he was drunk. Police could do nothing. So one day, when some kid, I think his name was Ed, broke Roger's house window, he totally went crazy. He grabbed that poor kid, beat him and locked him in the basement. Ed's friend saw everything and told everything to his and Ed's parents, 'cause they were celebrating together or something. In a matter of minutes, almost everyone knew what Roger has done. They ran out of patience and everyone went straight to Roger's house, pissed like hell. They broke into his house and freed that poor kid. Roger was pissed that everyone is at his house, he tried to cast everybody out, even wanted to shoot them, when he finally found his gun, but… people were pissed. They grabbed Roger, dragged him upstairs, tortured him a little and finally… shot him. Straight to the head. Then they left his body upstairs and left the house. That house is uninhabitable. Even cops didn't take it as a crime. As much as I know, the one who shoot him was a cop himself, so… Nobody except the locals know about it. It's kinda town's dark secret. But Roger's soul is still in that house. If you want him out, you should burn his body, but it's still at the second floor of that house," Missouri said.

Both, Sam and Dean listened.

"But if you're going in that house, you gotta be careful," suddenly she grabbed Dean's hand. It was shaking slightly. "Very careful. He wants revenge. And he is angry. Even if you're going, gotta be extremely careful," she repeated, still with Dean's hand in her arms.

Then she jumped.

"I guess you're thirsty. I'll do some coffee." With that, Missouri headed to the kitchen.

Sam looked at Dean.

Sam was full; he ate a full plate of chicken, little slice of pie and a few grapes. But Dean's plate was empty. He hadn't eaten anything.

"Oh, I don't have any coffee left' Missouri said with sad voice. 'Not even tea. Dean, few blocks away there is herbs store. Can you buy some coffee and tea? It's all natural. And don't drive, take a walk. Fresh air will be good for you." She said softly, looking at Dean.

"Yeah, sure," he said.

"Do not rush. There's a plenty of time, dear," She added.

Dean nodded and headed through the door.

Then Missouri turn serious face at Sam.

"Sam, what the hell?" she asked a little angrily.

"What?" Sam replied, surprised.

"Dean."

"What about him? And why did you send him out? You have coffee, I saw you buying it."

"I needed him out, because I wanna talk to you about him."

"Why do you wanna talk to _me_ about _him_?"

"Because you're his brother, for God's sake."

Sam frowned a little.

"Missouri, I don't wanna talk to you about him. If you wanna talk, talk to Dean!"

"No. Stop telling me what to do, Sam Winchester. I wanna light you up, what's going on. And I want some your explanation. So. What the hell did you do to him?"

"Me? What's that suppose to mean? I didn't do anything! And there's nothing wrong with him! Yeah, maybe he has a little flu or something, but that's nothing he can't handle."

"Sam, we don't have time for any shit. And he doesn't have any flu. It's more serious than I thought."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Sam, do you know what I can do? What my abilities are? I can see straight through every person when I'm holding his hand. His thought, maybe, his life story. What's happening to him. I can see if he's sick or not, I can read his mind. And also, I can see and feel his soul."

"So, that's why you were holding my and Dean's hand, huh? And what you saw?"

"Oh God, kid, you really don't wanna know. What kind of thing can turn you two against each other, huh? Tell me, Sam, what?"

"Nothing."

Missouri grabbed Sam's palm.

"Sam, you're pissed at him, because he let an angel in, right? But he did this out of love, he wanted to save you. He will rather rot in Hell than let you die, you know that? And can I ask you, why did you tell him those things? That you wouldn't save him, that he's no longer your brother, that you don't trust him? Why? He didn't deserve that, Sam. But you pushed him away, my dear, and now he thinks, that you hate him. It broke him, Sam."

Sam looked at her.

"What you mean?"

Mind reader let out a deep breath.

"When I'm looking in your soul, it's bright, shining, full of life and happiness. It's healthy. You're okay. But when I held your brother's hand Sam…" Missouri shivered and let go of Sam's hand. "Sam, there was nothing, but pain and agony. No life. It felt like hell. His soul is so twisted and broken, it looked like after hundred years in Hell, that it's hard to explain. I don't know, how he endures it. When soul is in this shape, he must feel pain, maybe pain attacks. And it has to be real agony. I can't believe that he's still walking and talking. Well, barely talking. But it will get worse and it will finally end him, Sam," She talked with tears in her eyes.

"How'd you know?"

"Because I saw it. Sam, you have no idea how bad it is. I've read his mind. He already has those pain attacks, and it's getting worse every time. Today was first time in four days when he slept. He was so exhausted, that he wasn't able to hold on any longer. And he's not eating. You noticed that, haven't you? He tried to take painkillers, but it wasn't helping much. Maybe because it's his soul. And he has a fever, his skin is like on fire."

"How the hell that happened? Why didn't he tell me?"

"Well, Sam, first things first. You know, Dean always was a little broken. It started in his childhood, I guess. And his soul was damaging every year. You left to Stanford, for example. Or when his father died, or when you died. For every damn thing that happened, he blamed himself. Doesn't matter, whose fault that was, he blamed himself. He tried to glue his soul, over and over, and, well, this time he couldn't hold on any longer. You broke him, Sam. You. Remember when you were hallucinating about Lucifer, the pain you felt? This is much much worse, believe me. He thinks, that you don't want him around anymore, that you hate him, that you blame him for everything. And he thinks he deserves that pain, because he hurt you. You know, half of the time he was wondering, why you, Dad didn't just let him die in the first place. Or why did an angel raised him from Hell. At these days he's feeling so much pain, that he even wondered, that if he kills himself everyone will be better off without him, especially you. He hates himself."

Sam was sitting in the chair, he couldn't move a muscle, frozen in shock.

"Why he didn't tell me?"

"Are you deaf? He thinks, you don't care about him anymore. You hate him. That's why."

"But, Missouri, I don't hate him. I don't. Yeah, I am pissed that he forced me to say yes, but I could never…"

"I know, kid, but he doesn't. Alright, gotta end this conversation. He'll be back in a few minutes. "

"How do I fix this?"

"I don't know, kid. Maybe you should call that angel of yours. I can see, what's going on, but I can't heal. Even if I really want to. And don't be a dick to him. He's suffering enough right now."

Sam nodded.

"And watch him closely. If it get's really bad, take him in here. Maybe I'll find something, okay? Don't let him down again, Sam."

"I won't."

Door opened.

"Hey, sweetie, you back? Oh, thanks for coffee and tea, when you're done with that ghost you should come here again," She said with soft voice to Dean. He nodded.

"So, we'll get going," Sam said.

'Okay, don't forget to come here again!' Missouri said. When Dean turned back to leave, she whispered to Sam; "Don't leave him alone on that hunt." Then loudly said "Take care, see ya soon!"

Sam nodded.

"Thanks. We will. You too."

And headed to the car.

Sam looked at Dean very closely and remembered what Missouri told him.

When they were near motel, Sam turned to Dean and said.

"You know, I don't hate you, Dean."

Car stopped.

'Whatever' Dean said quietly and headed to the motel room.

Sam frowned.

These Dean's 'whatever' was making him shiver now.

It's like Dean given up already.

Now Sam prayed, that it won't be too late.


	8. short moment in the motel room

**Really short chapter, I know, I know. I am terrible person, huh? But I PROMISE, that other chapter will be just wow (I think).**

**So, again, sorry fir those damn mistakes, really : **

**Oh, tomorrow I'm going to the wood with my best friend, and in my bag I already have a lighter, salt and knife. I hope there won't be any wendigos :**

**Take care! **

**.***.**

**_Don't take someone for granted _**

**_Just because you know_**

**_Every time you push them away_**

**_They will come running back._**

**_Because one day they won't._**

**.***.**

**.**

**Chapter 7**

.

.

Sam followed Dean.

When he entered room, Dean was already on the bed, fixing guns for the upcoming hunt.

"What are you doing?" Sam asked.

Dean looked at him like Sam was asking how to do the monkey dance.

"I'm checking if everything is working properly, if you can't see."

Sam frowned.

While they were driving, he was thinking about Missouri's words.

She practically told him, that Dean will die soon, that he's slowly dying. His soul is deeply damaged. And Sam hadn't noticed anything, because he was too pissed to see that. And it was Sam, who finally managed to completely break Dean. And they're running out of time. No matter what he said. He don't wanna lose his brother. He needed to get a grip and work it out with Dean.

"Dean, we need to talk"

"No, we don't need to talk. Back off!"

Sam frowned.

Dean was still pretending that everything is okay. Still pretending. Pain was sucking life out of him, and he was okay with that.

_He wants to die_.

He doesn't want Sam to know about it.

"No, we need to talk," Sam insisted.

Dean raised his head and looked at him.

And Sam took a really good look at Dean, first time in God knows how long. And he didn't like what he saw in Dean's eyes. Well, what he didn't see.

Dean's eyes were empty.

There was no life in it.

There was no happiness, no freedom, no love. It was just emptiness, pain and a broken soul.

Sam felt tears gathering in his own eyes.

Why did Dean fell apart so fast? When?

Sam remembered one line somewhere

_It's incredible, how people you love can fall apart so quietly and easily_.

This line was written about _Dean_, though.

"Dean, please. We need to talk. It's important."

"About what? Case? We already…"

"No. You."

Dean raised eyebrows in disbelief.

It hit Sam again.

Dean really thought that Sam didn't care about him anymore.

"No, we don't need to talk about anything. If you wanna talk about case – fine. If not – then shut up. End of discussion."

"But…"

"Just get over it, okay?" Dean stood up. "We gotta case to do, so let's go and kill that sick sonovabitch." Dean walked over the door. Sam didn't move "If you're not going, I'll do this by myself." Dean walked out.

Sam sat there, shocked.

He heard Impala's doors slam.

He jumped and ran through the door, Missouri's warning in his head.

_Don't leave him alone on that hunt._

Now Sam kinda figured what she was talking about.

Dean was reckless.

He could get himself killed over the hunt, because he just simply didn't care anymore. He can even try to kill himself.

Now Sam was running to Impala.

Thank God, Dean was still there, but ready to drive off.

Sam sat in the passenger's seat, angrily looking at Dean..

"You tried to drive off on that hunt without me, didn't you?"

Dean said nothing just strangely looked at him.

Sam didn't like that look. And he had really bad feeling inside his stomach.

But he said nothing.

_Again._


	9. Authors note

**Okay, should I keep writing this story or not?**

**Tell me what you think.**

**Like it or not?**


	10. meeting Roger

Sorry it took so long, feeling like shit these days. But I'm doing my best. Sorry for mistakes. Have a nice day!:

**..**

_I am powerless to change how you feel, but I still feel responsible._

**..**

**Chapter 8**

.

They were driving in silence for about ten seconds, and just then Sam noticed, that they were driving the wrong way. That house which they had to go was in other side of town. Now they were near Missouri's.

"Where're we going?" Sam asked.

Car stopped.

"Get out of the car," Dean said.

"What?" Sam asked, confused. He glanced at Dean and he didn't like Dean's look.

"Get out of the car, Sam," Dean said with hard voice.

"I'm not going anywhere. Don't be stupid. I'm not gonna…"

"Sam, get the hell out of the car, or I'll do it myself," Dean warned.

When Sam looked at him again, he was sure, that Dean was not kidding. He looked a bit crazy.

_What the hell?_

"Fine," Sam said, as he got out of the car and slammed the door. "But…"

Dean drove off.

Sam stood there, mouth hanging open, like he was just ditched by a girl. Then he remembered.

"Dean!" Sam shouted, panicking.

_Don't leave him alone on that hunt._

Sam jumped and started to run.

Missouri's house was a block away, and he needed help.

Thank God he had long legs. He was running like all hell was after him. When he reached the house he started knocking at the door like he'd gone insane.

Missouri opened the door.

"Missouri, Dean…"

"I know, Sam, get in the car. We gotta hurry."

They jumped in the car, with Missouri driving, of course.

"Missouri, he just told me to get the hell outta car and drove off! He looked like he'd gone insane! What the hell he was thinking? And how'd you know?"

"Sam, calm down. I talked to some spirits and they told me. But it was easy to figure. When I read his mind, his thoughts were full of self-hatred and guilt. Last time, when he had that pain attack he thought, that he 'couldn't take this anymore'. He could have simply ran away, and he did. He's reckless, and if he's in that house alone, it won't end well. Believe me, Roger isn't going to be happy to see him, he's vengeful spirit, for god's sake! He can do a lot of harm to Dean. We have to hurry.'

"Yeah," Sam agreed.

.

.

Dean drove off.

"What the hell am I doing?" he asked himself.

He had no idea, why he told Sam to leave.

_Wait._

He had.

First, because Sam's behavior was strange after they came back from Missouri's. He knew they could have talked about him when he went out to buy some tea and coffee. That's why Missouri send him out. Of course, she knew something. After all, she was psychics ; she could read everyone's minds, his included. That's why she was so gentle to him. And if she told Sam…

Of course she did.

But Sam doesn't care about him anymore.

It doesn't matter, what Missouri have told him. Sam doesn't care. He did hear when he said _'I don't hate you'_ but Dean didn't believe him. Sam said it just because Missouri forced him to. Yeah, that's a pretty good explanation. Fits everything.

Sam was just pretending.

That's it.

And second, there had been no pain attacks in a while, and Dean felt, that it will hit him soon. And it's going to be bad. And he had job to do, so…

He started to drive faster.

Then he pulled over right before the house, took the stuffs he needed and headed to the house.

'Let the fun begin'

He opened the front door.

The room looked terrible. Dust was everywhere, the place was not clean, broken glass spread on the floor, furniture were turned upside down… in short, it was a real mess.

"I guess you've never heard about cleanliness benefits to health, have you?" Dean asked sarcastically, hoping, that ghost will appear in front of him, but nothing happened.

Dean didn't wait for that asshat to appear, and headed straight upstairs, where the body should be.

_Damn, it was __so __dark in here._

Dean felt the familiar feeling pulsing inside his chest.

"Not now, for God's sake," he pleaded. He had to hurry up.

Then he saw the body. Well, bones. Right before the stairs.

He started to spill the salt all over the bones, then burning fluid. But he couldn't find the lighter.

"Where are you, you sonovabitch?" he gasped, as the pain got more intense.

And then Dean finally found it.

"Bye bye, you sonova…."

"Not so fast, kiddo,' some strange voice said.

Dean turned around and saw the ghost was standing before him.

"I don't think that you're going to do that," ghost said.

"Yeah? Why not?" Dean asked and grimaced as, the first wave of pain hit him.

"Because I'm not gonna let you. It's my home and I can do whatever I want in here."

"Oh yeah? Like torture those poor kids?"

"I didn't torture them… much. They somehow managed to run away. Lucky bastards. But you're not as lucky as them, are you? Well, I'm not gonna let you out. Not alive, at least. We're gonna have so much fun, aren't we?" ghost said and stepped closer to Dean.

"You are sick," Dean said. "And I'll be glad to be the one sending you to Hell. You deserve it."

The ghost, Roger, laughed.

"I deserve it? Well, I'm not the one who's been in there, am I right?" ghost said with a mean glint in his eyes. Dean paled. "Yeah. I know everything. And you should be thanking me."

"Thanking you? For what? Maybe for this conversation? You can put it where the sun doesn't shine."

Roger's ghost frowned.

"I will put you out of your misery. Maybe not as fast as you want, but I will end it. You should be grateful."

"Go to hell," Dean spat out with anger.

"Right after you."

Dean didn't have time to flick the lighter on the bones, when suddenly the now pissed ghost threw him off the stairs.

Dean fell hard and moaned in a low voice.

He hit his head pretty bad, his ribs were on fire, but weren't broken, and that pain in his chest was there too. He saw some dark spots dancing in his vision.

_Awesome._

"Hey, we're not done here, don't you dare to pass out," ghost said angrily.

"You're a bigger asshole than I thought," Dean mumbled, knowing, that those words won't do anything good.

Dean felt when invisible hands threw him across the room. He fell hard. Glass from the grounds cut his arm and blood gushed out of his wounds.

And pain inside of his chest and head was growing worse in seconds. He let out a cry.

"Oh, c'mon. We're just starting."

The front door opened with a loud bang.

"No, I think you're done," a strong voice said.

And that was the last thing Dean remembered before darkness took him in.

.

Sam just kicked door opened and he felt sick from the view.

Dean was lying on the floor, pale as a sheet, shivering in pain and bloody, and the ghost was standing next to him.

"Leave him alone," Sam roared angrily.

"No, I'm not gonna leave him alone. And you're next," ghost said, turning back to Dean, who flinched slightly in his unconscious state.

Sam didn't wait any more and shot that bastard with rock salt. The ghost disappeared. Once the ghost disappeared and nothing was threatening them anymore, he approached to take a look at Dean.

"Sam, go, burn him, I'll take care of him," said Missouri, entering the room.

Sam nodded and ran upstairs.

Missouri quickly came to Dean.

"Jesus Christ, kid, why the hell did you go in there alone?" Missouri asked.

Dean didn't say a word just let out a cry. It didn't seem that Dean knew who was talking to him or where he was.

"Oh, Dean…"

.

Dean felt pain, pain, pain!...

Pain was everywhere; it was eating him alive, he was sure of it.

He prayed for it to stop, for someone to end him, he just wanted peace.

He heard how ghost was talking to him, and then he heard another voice and a gunshot. Then it was silence and a strangely familiar woman's voice.

Dean opened his eyes slightly.

Now there were more dark spots in his view, but he saw Missouri right next to him.

_Where's Sam?_

"_He left you, he don't need you, why would he?"_

"Dean, Sam is there, he's coming. Don't think like that," Missouri said.

Pain hit again.

Dean let out a cry.

And the worst of all was that it wasn't ending.

He felt his body tensing, shivering and then he felt the first seizure.

He felt like he was drowning, like everything was getting more number. He couldn't hear voices clear anymore. It was like someone was screaming to him from a long tunnel. Those voices were praying him to hold on, to stay awake and to fight.

_But I don't wanna fight anymore. I just can't. I want it to end._

Now he almost couldn't see anything. There were so many dark spots; it was like someone was trying to drown him in the darkness.

Pain hit again, this time harder.

He couldn't fight with it anymore, he just moaned.

It was like in Hell.

It was Hell.

_This is Hell._

Pain hit again and Dean finally gave up.

He let darkness take him and he was happy to get out of the agony.

For now.

.

.

"Missouri? How is he? Is he… oh God."

Sam burned Roger's bones in a hurry and practically flied off the stairs.

Then he saw his brother.

Dean was pale, shaking violently, shivering, bleeding out, eyes unfocused. He looked terrible.

"Missouri? What's wrong with him?" he asked, fearing the answer.

"Roger hurt him, but he's having one of those pain attacks. And he's not responding to me."

Sam felt something in his stomach.

He knelt right next to Dean.

"Dean, can you hear me? Please, open your eyes. It's not that bad, I'm here. Everything's gonna be alright," Sam pleaded, trying to stay calm, but scared shittless.

Dean let out a cry.

Sam saw, that his brother was in clear agony. And he felt helpless. Is this is what Dean was feeling all this time, and he didn't notice that? What kind of brother was he?

Then he saw the blood.

"Missouri, he's bleeding. We have to stop the bleeding," Sam said. He took Dean's bleeding hand into his. Glass cut his hand deeply. Sam didn't have time to find the first aid kit, so he tore his t-shirt and bound up his brother's trembling hand.

Dean started to shake violently. Sam looked at him, terrified.

"Missouri, he's having a seizure!"

"I know, Sam!" she shouted. "But there's nothing we can do, just wait it to pass."

Sam froze.

"Nothing we can do? He's in freaking agony, I can't just sit here and watch him suffer like this!" Sam felt tears in his eyes. "I just can't!"

"Sam, I know. But that can wait. He needs us right now, so, try to keep him awake."

Sam nodded.

"Dean? Can you hear me, dude? Stay awake, alright? Everything's gonna be fine, just hold on, okay? Just stay strong and fight, like you always do. Just don't go to sleep, Dean, who else would drive your baby back, huh? Stay awake!" Sam talked, but it didn't look like Dean heard him.

His eyes were closed, face showed that he was clearly in pain. He was still shaking.

He let out a cry again, another wave of shakiness went through his body.

"Dean, please, don't go to sleep!" Sam shouted.

And then Dean let out a cry again, and he went still.

"Dean?" Sam asked, now panicking. "Dean, this is not funny, dude, wake up! Dean!"

No response.

Dean was lying on the ground still, and pale as death.

"He's unconscious, Sam. He can't hear you anymore. We have to get him out of there."

Sam didn't say a word.

"Sam?"

Sam raised his eyes and looked at Missouri.

"Missouri, if the pain was bad, like _this_ bad, why didn't he tell me?"

Missouri smiled sadly.

"You have to ask him himself."

Sam nodded.

_He has already given up. On me._


	11. Back in the bunker

This is the new chapter. Sorry that it took so long, I didn't have much time :)) Sorry for mistakes ((; And... I just figures by the views, that some of you might have lost chapter 6, because i uploaded two chapters in one day :D

Alright, enoght talking.

Good reading :

**You feel so lonely**

**And you start to cry**

**But nobody understands**

**Nobody sees**

**Just how broken you really are**

Chaper 9

.

Sam was sitting across the bed and looking at Dean's pale form.

He wanted to scream, to break something, but he just sat there, strangely calm.

He wanted to go back to the bunker. To find something, a spell, maybe? But first, he waited for Missouri to finish checking Dean for more injures, because he wasn't able to do it himself; his arms were shaking heavily.

"He seems fine, Sam. He's got a little bump on the head, nothing too serious. Should be fine," she said.

"So, I can bring him back home?"

"Yeah, you can. But why you wanna run away so badly?"

"I wanna find some information in bunker. And I'm sure I will. On the other hand, it's safer in there. I was stupid for bringing him here, you know. It's just three hours driving. We're going," Sam said with a determined voice.

Missouri let out a loud breath.

"Fine, go. But don't forget what I've told you. And, seriously, call Castiel. This is serious, Sam. And if you're going, better hurry up. It'll be better if he woke up at his bed, not in the car. And don't forget to call me, kid! Or I'm sure as hell that I will send spirits to haunt you ass. I'm not kidding, and you know that."

Sam smiled slightly.

"Of course I'll call you, there's no need to send someone after me. And it won't work. That place is too safe, you know."

Missouri raised her eyebrows.

"When, then in there is truly safer than here, if spirits can't go in. Okay. Enough talking for now. Let's move," she said.

Sam nodded.

"Yeah let's move."

.

.

Sam was driving from Lawrence to Lebanon again.

Dean was half sitting, half lying in the passenger's seat, still unconscious. It worried Sam. They were 20 minutes away from the bunker, and he was still out.

All the time, while driving, Sam was thinking about what is happening with his brother.

Well, pain is torturing Dean, and it's not ending. There are no visible injuries that he could take care of, those injuries are in his soul. And pretty bad, he must say.

And there was practically nothing Sam can do. And that was both driving him nuts and calming him.

Sam didn't know, what was wrong with him. It felt like he was terrified and so fucking calm in the mean time. It was like he cared and didn't. It felt like he was in the middle of the road, and not sure, which way to turn, so he was going from one way to another, trying to pick one, the right one, but he doesn't know, which way was the right one.

And he was scared, that he'll end up choosing the wrong one.

So he stayed in the middle, waiting for some sign, for something. For something, someone, to light up the road.

So he'll wait.

He glanced at Dean, again.

He was still out cold.

Well, he lost a lot blood. Sam couldn't blame him but he still looked pale and lifeless.

_Like dead._

Sam shook his head.

"He's not dead" he said at loud. But then a voice inside his mind echoed:

_Not yet._

.

.

They were finally back home at the bunker.

Sam laid Dean on the bed in his bedroom, and after that, first thing that he did; he went to grab some food.

Damn, he was hungry.

And there was nothing resembling to a proper food in the fridge.

Well, usually Dean was the one buying food, but he had been sitting in his room for days, not coming out, not eating, so, nobody got out to buy some food.

"Shit," Sam mumbled.

He needed to do some shopping.

They were out of food, out of water, out of even beer!

Sam grabbed the Impala's keys and headed to the garage.

_Dean is still out anyway, and we need supplies. I'll be back soon. Nothing bad will happen while I'm out. Dean will be okay._

But the problem is, that Dean's not okay.

Not at all.

.

.

He woke up.

First thing he felt was exhaustion, and that his head hurt. Well, frankly, everything hurt.

"What the hell happened?" he tried to remember.

Roger. That house. Flying off the stairs. And then just pain, pain, pain… and darkness.

Dean opened his eyes.

His vision was blurry.

He blinked a few times and then his vision went back to normal.

Dean was confused.

"What the hell? Am I hallucinating?" he asked aloud.

He was in his room, in the bunker. In Lebanon, not in Lawrence.

He closed his eyes and opened them again, waiting for the room to have disappeared.

No, he was really in his room.

Dean sat up.

For a second his vision went black again, but just for a moment.

And pain was there again, but not _that_ pain. It was from his experience with battling with a ghost and from bumping his head. He just hoped he didn't have a concussion. And his arm was itchy a little, where the glass cut in. He could feel by the slight dizziness that he'd lost blood too.

Dean stood up.

"Gee, I need some aspirin," he mumbled. He looked at the clock to see, what time it was. It was 7:46 am already. "Jesus, how long I was out? Eight – nine hours? My God…" Dean said in horror.

He went out of his room, and straight to the kitchen.

When he went in, he saw beer, water, some apples, vegetables, tacos and a huge bag of groceries on the table. Apparently, Sam went for shopping.

_Sam._

Dean looked around.

Sam was nowhere to be seen.

_Why are you so surprised, huh? He's got other work to do, than watch your sorry ass. Be thankful, that he brought you back home. _his mean inner voice told him scornfully.

Dean yawned.

Damn, he was tired, so he just grabbed the aspirin bottle from the top shelf, took two and left the bottle on the table and went back to sleep.

He just wanted to sleep.

.

When Sam went in the kitchen after taking a shower, it was 8:13 am. First thing he saw, that there was an aspirin bottle on the table.

Sam jumped.

_Dean._

He practically run to his room and knocked on the door.

There was no answer.

Sam just went in.

Dean was lying on the bed, sleeping.

Sam went closer and took a good look at his brother.

Yeah, he was just sleeping.

But he was still pale, far from Sam's liking. The younger Winchester carefully put a hand on Dean's forehead and quickly drew away.

"Jesus, Dean, you're burning up," Sam said.

He needed to bring down the temperature.

"Dean, man, wake up." Sam shook brother's shoulder.

Dean didn't even stir.

"Hey, man, it's not funny, wake up!" he said more angrily this time. When Dean didn't show any signs of hearing him, Sam shook his shoulder as hard as he could and shouted, "Dean! Wake up, for God's sake; I need you to wake up!"

Finally, Dean stirred and opened his eyes.

"Sam?" he said in disbelief with a weak voice "What happened? Are you okay? Is something wrong?"

Sam smiled. Typical Dean. Still wondering, if there's something wrong with Sam.

"No, Dean, nothing is wrong with me. You're the one with a fever far too high"

"Whatever," Dean shrugged, wearily. "What the hell happened and why am I here?" he asked.

"Well, apparently, that ghost threw you off the stairs; you bumped your head too. I don't know what happened while you were there, but when I came in, he was next to you, talking to you, and you were in pain, on the floor. Well, I burned his body, there's no Roger anymore. When I came up to you, you were in agony and barely conscious, bleeding out. Neither I, nor Missouri couldn't do a damn thing. After a few minutes you went still, and since then you were unconscious. We decided that it's safer in the bunker and well, here we are," Sam explained calmly.

Dean nodded.

"And now **I** need some explanation _from you_, Dean." Sam's voice suddenly went harsh. Dean looked at him, surprised. "Why the hell you went after that ghost alone, huh? Why the hell did you run away? You knew that he was dangerous! Are you _that_ out of your mind? You were so reckless, Dean, damn it, you could have died in there!" Sam practically screamed.

Dean just looked at him and said very quietly, "like you care."

Sam heard that and went pale.

"Yeah, Dean, I do care! Even if you don't believe me. Maybe I shouldn't, but I do, you like it or not." Sam stopped and took a deep breath before talking again. "So now tell me, why the hell did you do that?"

Dean looked at him, tired. But he didn't want to show, how weak he really is and gathered all his strength to answer to Sam.

"I wanted to take care of that ghost, alright? I wasn't thinking if that ghost was dangerous, or not. I wanted to take care of it without those your freaking looks you've been throwing at me since we got back from Missouri's!"

Sam looked at him.

"What looks?"

"You're looking at me like I'm some kind of ticking bomb, like I'm gonna explode any minute! So stop!"

"Right' Sam said. 'Okay, but that's not why I'm here. I want you to take some pills, because you're running a high fever, dude."

Dean looked at him, disbelief in his eyes.

"You're shitting, right? You woke me up for some kind of shit, like fever? Back off," Dean spat out and lay on the bed again.

Sam wasn't ready to give up.

"No, Dean, you're so gonna take it, or so help me God, I'll…"

"You will what, Sam?" Dean asked, narrowing eyes. "You're gonna do what? You're gonna feed it to me? Force me to take it? Or maybe you're gonna sing, until I wouldn't be able to take it anymore? You're gonna do what?"

Sam didn't say a word.

"See? You're not gonna do nothing. So back off, alright? I'm fine" Dean turned away and closed his eyes.

Sam suddenly went pissed.

"Sure you're fine, Dean," Sam said in a fake sweet voice. "And those pain attacks you're having, they are totally normal. Yeah, I know, Missouri told me. And I saw one myself. But what the hell am I talking about? You're fine! I don't know why I'm even here. I've got work to do and I'm going out. And if you're so okay, so get your ass out of bed and go do something _useful,_ instead of lying on the bed all day, doing _nothing._" Sam ended with angry voice and stormed out of the room.

Dean took a deep breath in.

_Sam knows about those attacks. But he doesn't look worried. He still thinks I'm useless. Yeah, I was right after all. He doesn't care about me._

Dean closed his eyes again, now full of tears, and prayed sleep to come faster.

Now he felt more broken inside than he already was.

.

.

Sam stormed out of the room.

He was pissed as hell. He didn't know where that anger came from, but he was furious. Dean was denying, that there's something wrong with him. He didn't want Sam to help him.

And Sam wanted to help Dean. But if he doesn't want his help, he won't be an ass and won't force it.

But then one thought occurred his mind.

_Maybe Dean was just very tired and wanted some peace? He __absolutely __looked like crap. His head probably hurt like hell, if he took some aspirin earlier. He just woke up and first thing I did, was practically shout at him, __telling him __that he's just a burden. Shit._

"Fuck," Sam said.

Now he felt like shit himself.

"Jesus, what have I done?" Sam asked and headed back to Dean's room.

He entered the room, worried.

"Dean, I…" he started, but he went silent when he saw Dean's shoulders trembling. Then he heard a sob.

If Sam felt like shit before, now he felt like biggest asshole in the whole universe.

_Dean was crying._

He was fucking _crying_, and it was Sam's fault.

"Dean, I'm… I'm sorry," he said with soft and guilty voice.

Dean said nothing.

"Dean, I didn't mean it. Dean, please, listen to me. Dean…"

He sobbed again.

"Just leave me, alone, Sam. Please. Leave me alone," Dean said brokenly.

Sam felt his heart sinking.

"Dean…"

"Just go away, Sam. I don't wanna see you. Go,'" Dean said with a fake strong voice, but still crying.

Sam didn't move.

He was shocked seeing Dean like this. Dean was never crying. Never. He was always the strong one. He was the rock. But now…

He tried again:

"Dean, please, listen, man…"

"No," Dean said quietly, his voice barely whisper, still not facing Sam. "No, Sam. Just… leave me alone. I'm tired… Go away."

Sam didn't move, again. He was in shock. But he wanted to ask one question.

"I'll go. Just answer one question. You are tired of what?" he asked softly.

There was a heavy silence for a long moment, Sam didn't expect to hear any answer. And then Dean turned his face to Sam and looked him straight in the eye. Tears still in his eyes, looking broken. Sam could see straight through his eyes into soul, and it was broken.

Dean looked at Sam for a moment, not saying anything. And then younger Winchester saw his lips moving and heard his voice, barely audible. He froze when he heard, what Dean had said.

"Of life..."


	12. Castiel's appeariance

Okay, the new chapter is here! It's almost 3am right now and I'm going to bed soon, so, sorry id this chapter is not very long :)) Anyways, sorry for mistakes, guys.

Have a good reading! ;))

**Chapter 10**

.

Sam didn't remember how he got back in the library. His legs felt as if they made of wood. And he was totally in shock.

The look Dean was looking at him had made him want to cry as well.

Dean looked so broken, so damn broken… and Sam didn't know what to do.

Now he almost blamed himself for asking Dean, what is he so tired of.

_Of life._

Those words now were echoing in Sam's mind.

Dean said nothing else after this, he just locked himself in the room, away from Sam. And Sam didn't ask him anything, either. He figured, that Dean needs some time to gather himself together. Damn, Sam needs it too.

_Of life._

Yeah, these words were haunting Sam, and they were weighing him down like a mountain, maybe more.

He never, _never _thought that Dean was in _this_ shape. Maybe a little broken, but not like this, never like this.

Dean is suicidal.

The thought made Sam shiver in fear.

_Now he can do anything, because he's given up already. He can hurt himself, he can simply run himself to grave now, or he can just pretend, that nothing happened, or…_

Phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Sam? Hey, kiddo. So how are you and how's Dean?"

It was Missouri.

"We're fine, Missouri" Sam lied, knowing it won't work.

"Don't bullshit me, Sam Winchester, and tell me the truth. All of it."

Sam let out a breath.

"Well, we came back, Dean woke up at 8am or so. He took some aspirin and went back to sleep, I woke him up, because he had a fever and then…" Sam went silent.

"And then what, Sam?" she asked impatiently.

"Gee, Missouri, I kinda yelled at him. I know, I shouldn't have, but I went so pissed and I stormed out! When I realized what I have done, I went back. He was… he was _crying_, Missouri. And Dean never cries. We talked a bit and he told me, that… he told me that he's tired… of life. That was about 10 minutes ago. He's locked himself up in his room. And… and I don't know what to do, Missouri, now I'm just fucking scared," Sam said almost crying.

Missouri took a deep breath.

"Jesus, Sam, I've told you, don't make it worse. I won't be surprised, if he's having another pain attack right now, you know. Anyway. Sam, listen to me very carefully. I know, you're still pissed at him, but Dean needs you right now. With that anger you will only just send him to grave faster. Jeez, he needs help, Sam. He is dying, for God's sake. You have no idea what kind of thoughts he has in his mind. You have to watch him, y'know, he can simply slits his wrist and end it all."

"Are you kidding me?" Sam protested. "Dean is not like this, he would never do this, not to me."

"Do I look like I'm kidding to you, Sam?" she asked.

"No."

"So don't interrupt me when I'm talking, kid. Call that angel. Right here and right now. Maybe he will be able to help. And don't wait until it's too late, if it's not too late already. His condition will just get worse and worse, believe me. And try to put that fever down, will ya? Okay, enough talking right now. Go and do what you must to do. There's no time to waste, not much left maybe. Now go!"

And with that, the line went dead.

Sam went to panic mode once again and now he prayed.

"Cas, can you hear me? I need help. It's… its Dean. He's not good, Cas, not at all. Please, hurry up. He needs help."

_Whoos__h__._

"Sam, what's wrong?"

Sam turned around and faced Castiel. He was so happy to see him right now.

"It's Dean, Cas…. His soul. It's damaged and…"

"What? Wait, Sam, what are you talking about? What's wrong with his soul?" angel asked, confused.

"I don't know very much, but Missouri explained to me, that his soul is very damaged, and he's suffering, because of it. He's having some kind of pain attacks, it's bad, Cas. And he's not letting me help…" Sam tried to explain.

"Where is he?" Cas asked.

"In his room. He locked himself up and…"

"Let's go"

They both run through the bunker to Dean's bedroom. They knocked the door.

"Dean, can you hear me? Open the door, dude," Sam said.

There was complete silent.

"I'm going in," Castiel said, but Sam stopped him. "What?"

'You can't just go in like that! Try to talk to him first; maybe he'll answer to you. Try. If he won't answer, then you can kick the door out or whatever you want.'

"Fine" Cas agreed. "Dean, can you hear me? Please, open the door, Dean. I want to talk to you for a second."

Again, there was no answer.

"C'mon, Dean, this is not funny anymore," Sam said.

"Maybe he's sleeping?"

"Yeah, maybe. But I need to take his temperature down. Last time I checked, it was far too high. No kidding, Cas, this is serious."

"He's feverish? Yeah, this is serious." Angel said, and then shouted loudly, "Dean, if you won't open this door, I will come in without your permission, you hear me? Dean!"

And even now, there was no response.

Sam and Castiel looked at each other, worried.

"This is so not good."

.

"I'm going in," Castiel said and disappeared.

"Damn it," Sam exclaimed and started trying to unlock the door.

Castiel appeared next to Dean's bed.

Dean was lying in the bed, still pale, eyes closed and… sleeping.

"Dean," Cas called again, worried. It scared him, how deep Dean was sleeping. It wasn't normal. Not at all.

The door opened and Sam came in, breathless.

"How is he?" Sam asked.

"I don't know yet. But it's not good, I guess. Dean never sleeps like this. It's not normal."

"Maybe you need to wake him up?"

Cas nodded. "Yeah, it's a good idea. You mind leave us alone? I think it will be better way if I'll talk to him alone. And I think I should be gentle to him, or he won't talk."

"Yeah, sure thing, Cas. But I'm gonna be right behind the door, okay? Call me, if you need me."

"Okay, Sam. Now go."

Sam stepped out of the room, closed the doors, but didn't move further than that. He stood right behind the door, listening to everything, trying to find out what was happening inside the room.

.

.

Cas slightly shook Dean's shoulder.

"Dean? Hey, Dean, wake up."

Dean didn't even stir, so an angel shook his shoulder harder this time.

"Dean, I need you to wake up, buddy. Do it for me, will ya? C'mon, Dean. Wake up."

Finally, Dean moved slightly and opened his eyes.

"Cas? Is that you? What's wrong, man, why are you here?' he asked worriedly, still half-asleep.

Cas smiled.

Dean was always worried about him.

"No, Dean, nothing is wrong with me. I'm here, because Sam called me. He's worried about you."

Upon hearing that, Dean frowned and sat up.

"About me? He's worried about me? Stop messing with me, Cas, I don't believe this shit. So now tell me, why are you really here?'

'I've already told you, Dean. Sam called me, because he's worried about you. And something _is _wrong with you. You're skin is white as a sheet. And you have a fever. No offense, but you look like shit," Castiel said.

Dean stared at him, frowned.

'What do you want me to say, huh? Whatever Sam said to you,_ I'm fine, _okay? I'm fine. Now leave me alone, Cas. I'm tired.'

Cas didn't move, not distracted for a sudden Dean's change of mood.

"No, Dean, you are not fine. And if you'll say that you're fine one more time, I'm gonna kick your ass myself" angel said with a warning in his voice.

Dean said nothing for a while, silently glaring at Castiel.

"Cas, please. Leave. I just wanna get some sleep, alright? If you wanna talk to someone, go and talk to Sam. He's the one who called you, so talk to him."

"No, Dean, I'm not going anywhere until I'll know for sure, what is wrong with you. If you won't help me, I will figure it myself." Cas stepped closer to Dean.

"Whoa whoa whoa, would you stop? What the hell you want from me, huh? Get the hell away from me, Cas, or I'm gonna send you where the sun doesn't shine," Dean warned.

Cas laughed.

"No, you won't."

"No, I won't" Dean agreed. After all, Cas was his friend, his best friend.

"Alright, enough talking. Let me take a look at you," Castiel said with serious voice and put a hand on Dean's forehead.

Dean retreated from his touch by jumping out of the bed.

"What the hell, man?"

"Dean, you're burning up," Castiel said, frowning. "We need to get your temperature down."

"No we don't! I don't need any of your help, Cas, so back off!" Dean practically screamed.

Cas just stared at him, unmoving. He needed help.

"Sam!" Castiel called loudly. "I need your help in here."

Sam, who had been standing outside the room, came inside. Dean looked at Castiel with betrayal and disbelief in his eyes.

"What is this, invasion? What the hell are _you_ doing in my room? Get the hell out!" Dean said angrily.

No one moved.

"Dean, listen. I know, you don't wanna see us or…'

"Damn right I don't'

"… but we are here to help.'

"I don't need help'

"Yes you do, Dean. You have no idea what Missouri told me, have you?" Sam asked.

"The hell you care," Dean said, still angry.

"Yeah, Dean, I do care."

"No, you don't. You were treating me like shit, but ever since we got back from Missouri, you're acting totally different. I don't know what she told you, or maybe I do, and that made you freak out, but you gotta stop. I don't need any of this shit, alright? I was alright before, I am now. So now, you two get the hell out of here and leave me fucking alone!" Dean shouted.

Sam looked at him, but didn't move.

"No, Dean, we're not going anywhere. Neither are you." Sam said.

Castiel turned to Sam.

'What did Missouri tell you, Sam? Tell me.'

Sam took a deep breath before talking. Castiel wanted Dean to hear it too, obviously. He looked at Dean for a moment, just to meet his brother's look, screaming at him '_don't you dare_', but he knew, it's the only way.

"Missouri told me, that Dean is having some kind of pain attacks, and they're getting worse every time. It's because his soul is damaged, and it's bad, like, _really_ bad. She doesn't know how to help. And she demanded me to call you, Cas, before it's too late. So, what can you say?"

Cas just stared at Dean for a long moment, not saying anything. It looked as if he was seeing right through Dean, and it kinda scared Dean.

"Would you stop? It's creepy," he said.

"I need to take a look at your soul, Dean," Castiel said.

Dean stepped back.

"What? No. No way. Over my dead body, Cas, you are not gonna do this. I won't let you."

"Really, Dean? And how do you think you're gonna stop me, huh?" angel asked, stepping closer to Dean.

Dean saw that this is not leading anywhere good, so he stepped back again and pulled out an angel's blade.

Castiel froze. Sam stepped back, surprised.

"Dean, what the hell you think you're doing?" Sam asked.

"What I have to," Dean said without any emotions.

"Dean, you need help. Put the blade down, okay? I need to take a look at you, and you know, that it's the only way, Dean. Please, put that thing down," Cas said.

Dean shook his head.

"No. I don't need your help," Dean said and raised the blade higher.

Cas laughed, unnaturally.

"What you're gonna do, Dean? No, really? You're gonna stab me or what? You're not. So put that down."

Dean stepped back once again.

"You're right. I'm not gonna stab you." Dean raised his eyes to Sam, then to Cas.

Sam shivered suddenly. Dean's look was like a wild animal. It didn't look good at all.

Then Dean smiled. A sad, _sick _smile.

"Not you. Myself."

Sam didn't have time to react, when he saw in horror, how the blade in Dean's hand rose, and then went straight into Dean's stomach.

Dean stabbed himself.

"Dean, NO!" Sam screamed and ran to his brother.

He grabbed him just in the time, before he dropped, face first, on the floor.

Blood poured from the wound everywhere, Dean was getting limp in Sam's arms.

Sam was freaking out.

"Dean, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hold on, man, alright? You're gonna be okay, I promise. Just hold on…" he mumbled to Dean, while looking in his eyes. And then he was terrified once again, by the look in his brother's eyes. The light and the life from Dean's eyes were fading away, and fast. With every breath, he was getting weaker.

"I'm sorry…" Dean mumbled, under his breath, when he coughed up blood, then he closed his eyes.

"Dean, no. Don't go to sleep, don't you dare…"

Sam held Dean in his arms, completely in shock from what was happening right now. And then he remembered Cas.

"Cas, do something, man, please, heal him. Please, just heal him, he can't die…" Sam said with a tearful voice. He felt how Dean's life is drifting away from him. Every breath, every heartbeat is weaker than other. Dean was barely there, no longer conscious.

Castiel jumped up like awakening from a trance.

He ran towards Sam and put a hand on Dean's forehead. A blue-white light filled the room for a second and then disappeared.

"He's healed," Castiel said.

Sam let out a shaky breath and looked at his brother.

Dean's eyes were closed, he was paler than ever, from blood loss, apparently. Still unconscious and unresponsive.

Sam stood up and laid him on his bed.

"Why the hell he… Cas… why he did this?" Sam asked, trying to get himself in control.

Castiel shook his head.

"I don't know, Sam, maybe I don't wanna know. But what's done is done. I healed the wound, but I can't replace his blood. He's gonna be out of it for a few hours or so. We need to talk then. And…" Castiel paused, walking towards Sam. "Now we can look at his soul."

Sam looked at him, surprised.

"You're gonna take a look at his soul while he's unconscious?"

"Yes. Then he won't feel any pain."

Sam nodded.

"Then good. But still, why the hell did he stabbed himself, huh? C'mon, it's not Dean's style, no. He could never do that, Cas, never. Not like this."

"I don't know, Sam, not yet. But soon, I'll know that. Don't forget, I can read his mind by doing this. And give me some space. Sooner I'll do it, sooner it'll be over."

Sam stepped back. "Yeah, sure thing, Cas. Do what you gotta do."

Cas nodded and stepped over to Dean.

They will know the real truth, and soon.

No matter how terrible it can be.

.

.

Extremely HUGE thank you for my new amazing beta **precious-passenger! **I vuv' ya ;))


	13. little chat

**Okay, so, there's the new chapter ^_^ srr it took so long.**

**Anyway, HUGE thanks for my beta **_**precious passenger**_**! Love you sweetie ;)**

**Good reading!**

.

.

_*Show me that you care, because I'm tired of guessing you do, or not.*_

_**Chapter 11**_

.

"Cas, what are you going to do?" Sam asked.

"I'm gonna take a look at his soul. I need to see the real damage. You should leave."

Sam nodded.

"Yeah, good idea, Cas. I'll be in a library."

"Okay."

Sam turned around and left the room. He went straight to the library, just as he told Castiel. But he decided to grab some food first, when he heard his stomach grumbled loudly, demanding for something to eat.

He sat up, grabbed the first book he found and attempted to read it. It was about demons, Hell and Lucifer. He didn't know how long he was reading and he was so absorbed in that book, that he very nearly jumped when Castiel stormed in in the room. He looked pissed as Hell, his eyes blazing.

"Cas, what's wrong?" he asked, almost not wanting to know the answer.

The angel threw an angry look at him.

"Sam, how could you?" he practically shouted.

Sam just raised his eyebrows, confused. "How could I what? I didn't do anything!"

"Why the hell didn't you call me sooner, huh? Are you that careless about your brother?"

"Whoa whoa whoa, Cas, wait. Wait, damn it." Sam said, trying to be calm. "What are you talking about? Start from the beginning," he continued.

"Okay." Cas looked like he could barely hold it together. "I took a look at Dean's soul, Sam. And you know what I saw? I saw Hell."

The younger Winchester felt an overwhelming sense of dread crawling up at him.

"What are you talking about?" Sam put the sandwich he'd been eating while researching, down and asked worriedly.

"Do you know what I saw and what I felt when I touched his soul? Do you even want to know what horrible, ghastly shape it was? It's close to nothing in there. Just bits and pieces, Sam. His soul looks like it has spent a good few hundreds of years in Hell. Remember how you felt when you got your soul back and the wall was broken, when you saw Lucifer? It's so much worse than that. I don't know what kind of pain he must be feeling. I can't even begin to imagine how he survives it." Castiel shouted at him, trying to calm himself down.

Sam paled a little after hearing this. How could he have not seen this? But, he was pretty tired of getting yelled at and all of a sudden, he was angry too.

"Yeah, Missouri already did told me all this shit. But what did I do? How is that my fault?"

Castiel was angry again.

"Oh, you did a great job there, Samuel."

"Don't call me that," Sam grumbled under his breath.

"I know what happened between you and him," Castiel went on, ignoring Sam completely. "I know everything. Also I know, that you were the final straw that broke Dean. He just couldn't take it anymore, I guess. Years after years he was hurting, but he tried not to show it. He built his walls, but then, it finally broke. Guess it was too much this time." Cas stopped for a moment and took a deep breath before talking again.

"What happened with Gadreel was already killing him, guilt was basically eating him alive, but you made it worse. You told him things, awful things, Sam, and he believes them with all his heart, no matter what you say now. It's killing him, literally. He truly thinks, that you hate him and don't want him around anymore, that he is just burden to you. It was the main reason why he stabbed himself. He thought that you'll be happy if he's dead."

Now Sam was pale as a sheet.

"What? I've never told him that… how could he even… Jesus…"

"Whatever, it doesn't matter now. The pain attacks he's having is sucking the life out of him. Every time they're getting worse. A couple of times the pain was so intense, that seizures started. Oh, you didn't know that, did you?" Cas asked, when Sam looked at him in shock by hearing that. Yeah, he saw one seizure back at Roger's house, but he thought, it was from blood loss. "You know, I'm surprised how you didn't notice that earlier. Maybe it shouldn't have come this far then."

"So you're saying, it's my fault now?" Suddenly Sam was pissed. "It's not my fault that Dean is so stubborn, that he can't even tell me, if something is wrong."

Cas laughed.

"How can he tell you that something is wrong, when you're the main reason of it? He wouldn't tell you anything, not after when you told him, that you 'wouldn't save him, don't trust him and don't want to be brothers anymore'."

"Don't blame me for that. It wasn't my fault."

"C'mon, Sam, it didn't happen in a few days. You have no idea what kind of thoughts he has in his head, and they aren't pleasant. You know, he blamed himself for everything. Right from the beginning. He even blamed himself for Mary's death."

Sam smirked.

"Oh, c'mon, it's stupid. How can he blame himself for that? He was four years old!"

"I know. But he thinks he should have stopped angels from cleaning their memories, because he warned Marry about the future."

"It's still stupid."

"I know. But it's not stupid to Dean."

Sam exclaimed.

"So, what's next?"

"We need to wait until he wakes up." Castile said. "We don't know how he will behave, what state he will be in. We gotta be careful, Sam."

"Yeah, but first I'm gonna have a serious talk with him." Sam voiced.

"Don't be harsh." Cas warned him.

"Cas, he _stabbed_ himself, it can't go unnoticed! Just yesterday he ran away from me and went after a ghost alone! It was a suicide mission, and when I asked him, why he had done this, he said, that he wasn't thinking. How many times he will do this again, huh?"

Angel stared at him with his blue eyes, deep as an ocean and said.

"Sam, I wasn't kidding when I said, that we have to be careful. You forgot, that I've seen inside his soul and read his mind. He's not thinking rationally, not anymore at least. All the awful things that you told him once, are replaying in his mind all over again. He's reckless. And more important thing – pain attacks. You know what he thinks about them? That he _deserves_ them."

Sam blinked few times in disbelief.

"What? How can he deserve that? From all the people, he doesn't deserve that."

"Sam, I'm not an idiot. I know he doesn't deserve any of that, but that's not the point. It's about what _he_ thinks. You should try to change his mind, Sam."

Sam let out a breath, trying to stay as calm as possible.

"Cas, how can we fix this, huh? It can't keep going on like this."

"To be honest? I don't know…"

"You don't know?!" Sam shouted out loud. 'What the hell that suppose to mean?"

"It means I don't know _for sure_. Yet." Castiel stepped back from Sam, who was throwing angry looks at him. "And don't look at me like it's my fault, Sam. I'm not the one who break the final straw."

"Well, I didn't know that it's going to happen! What, you think I did this on purpose?"

"Maybe."

"Jesus, Cas, I'm his brother, for fuck's sake, and I never, _never _wanted something as horrible as this to happen to him. Never. So don't threw that shit on me, alright? And I can clearly remember, that I wasn't the one hurting him, Cas. You also hurt him, more than once. So this isn't only my fault, alright? And now tell me, how to fix this."

Cas stared at him angrily, when Sam accused him of being responsible for Dean's state. The things he'd done that had hurt Dean. But it wasn't the best time or place to argue about this.

"Which part of 'I don't know' you don't understand, huh? When his soul is in this shape, I can't do anything. I can try to heal him, but it's gonna be as painful as those attacks, maybe more. And yes, I did hurt Dean, but not as much as you, Sam. I've never told him, that I wouldn't save him. But it's not time for this discussion."

Sam stood frozen with unreadable expression on his face. For a moment he looked at Cas and then expressed his solution for the problem at hand.

"Possess him."

Cas just stared at him like Sam had gone crazy. Then he laughed.

"Sam, I am not going to possess Dean."

"Why not?" the younger Winchester quickly asked. "If it's so painful, it's better way to heal him from inside, isn't it?"

"First, because he will never say 'yes' to an angel, especially not me, second…"

"He will," Sam interrupted.

"No, he won't."

"He tricked me, I can trick him."

"You wanna hurt him more? He's hurt enough, Sam, I won't let you do this. And you won't trick him."

"Why not?"

"Because he will figure what you're doing."

"He won't."

"Yeah, even if he will agrees, and then figure what you have done, he'll be more damaged than before." Angel stopped to take a breath. "Sam, he _will never_ say 'yes'!" then Cas shouted, starting to lose his patience. Sam was annoying.

"Why not?! Sam screamed, now pissed too.

"Because he wants to die!"

There was a long, hard silence in the room.

"You don't mean that." Sam said quietly. "He wasn't thinking rationally, that's why he did this. Dean doesn't want to die."

"And how do you know?" Castiel asked, looking straight Sam in the eye.

"I know my brother." Sam replied. "He will never do this to me. Never."

"But he did." Cas argued. "Look, Sam, he's not in his right mind. But neither are you. Few days before, you weren't even looking at him. You were simply ignoring him. All these days when he sat in his room, not going anywhere and drinking, those pain attacks were just starting to hit him. Even when you went to that motel room he was hiding it from you. He didn't want you to know about them. He was silently suffering and thinking, that he deserves every second of it. He thought that you don't care. And then boom!" Cas threw his hands up in frustration. "Now you know everything. And I understand you want to help him. But the problem is, he doesn't _want _to be helped," the angel just shook his head. "You know the rest, Sam. But it's not a solution. I can try to help him now, but you gotta search for something really useful, maybe a spell or something. And you will talk to him when he wakes up, and if you'll say something stupid or hurt him more, I'm gonna kick your ass myself." Castiel warned.

"Okay, okay, I get it." Sam exclaimed. "Either I'm gonna be gentle, or you'll kick my ass. Like you'd dare. I get that."

"You better do. And now go, wait until he wakes up. And do something for that fever. I don't know how humans get it down."

"I got this, Cas, don't worry." Sam said, standing up from the chair.

"Yeah, like you got this before. Okay, okay. I'm gonna do some research too. Call me if you need something."

With that, the angel disappeared.

"Wow. This was some serious talk." Sam said to an empty room. Then headed straight to Dean's room. He needed to check how he was doing.

.

.

He entered the room.

Dean was lying in the same position as before, with no changes. Well, he was a little paler, but maybe it was because of Cas's experiments.

"Hey, Dean" Sam said softly, but didn't hear any answer.

He came closer and looked at Dean. Like, _really _looked. And he didn't like what he saw.

Dean was pale as a sheet. His skin almost looked grey. There were black bags under his eyes, which were looking darker because of his sickly pale skin. His shirt and jeans were still covered in blood.

He looked so fragile now.

"Well, he is fragile," Sam thought to himself.

Now, looking and seeing Dean like this, he felt guilt wash over him.

_He did this._

_He did this to his brother_.

"But he harmed you too," his inner voice said quietly. "He tricked you and lied to you. He deserves that."

"No." Sam said loudly. "He doesn't deserve any of that."

But words still echoed in his mind.

_He deserves that._

_Deserves that._

_Deserves_.

Sam shake his head, like he wanted to physically throw that thought away.

_It __doesn't matter what Dean did. He doesn't deserve that. No one deserves that._

He slumped in the chair next to Dean and let out a deep breath.

"Dean, why did you do this, huh? It wasn't an option, and you knew that. Stabbing yourself is never an option. And why didn't you tell me everything? Yeah, we have issues, but who doesn't? If we're not in the best shape it doesn't mean, that you should keep something like this a secret. You should have told me, big brother. No matter what you think, I still care about you, Dean. And I'm not okay with you suffering like this." Sam said wistfully. He knew that he wouldn't be brave enough to tell this straight to Dean's face, but now he felt better. He said what he wanted to say, even if Dean wasn't able to hear him.

But words were said and they were true.

For now, anyways, they were true.

…


	14. It's okay, Sammy

**Hey! Here's a new chapter, sorry it took so long! And also thanks for my beta _precious-passenger!_****_  
_**

**Good reading!**

_It is both a blessing_

_And a curse_

_To feel everything_

_So very deeply_

**Chapter 12**

.

Dean stirred. He was starting to wake up, but kept his eyes closed.

First thing he felt, was that he's lying on something soft and comfortable. .

He's in his bed.

_But how?_

Then the memories came crashing in with all its beauty. That freaking talk with Sam and Cas, then stabbing himself, and then - nothing.

He groaned, a dull pain shooting in his stomach.

Cas probably healed him, otherwise, he wouldn't be lying on his bed; he'd be dead.

"Dean?" someone asked in a tired, but soft voice.

_Sam._

Dean slowly opened his eyes and looked around.

Yup, he was in his bed, in his half-dark cozy room. And Sam was sitting right next to his bed, staring at him. Dean looked around once again, more closely this time. Now he saw few cups of coffee on the table, also few half eaten sandwiches, few boxes of the Men of Letters files, stack of books in the corner of the room… that was strange.

"Dean, are you alright?"

Dean looked straight Sam in the eye and asked, "did you move into my room? Now you're living there and we're roommates from now on or what?"

Sam took a deep breath. He looked pretty tired, Dean noticed.

"No, Dean, I didn't move into your room."

"So, what the hell are you doing there?" Dean asked sharply. "You like watch people sleep or what? Y'know, you and Cas are more alike than I thought."

"No, I… wait, what?" Sam looked at him confused.

"Never mind," Dean said quickly and shake his head. "What are you doing here?" he asked again, in order to stop an awkward moment.

Younger Winchester stared at him for a moment and then said:

"Isn't it obvious? I was waiting for you to wake up!"

"You could have waited in your room."

"You were out for almost _two days_, Dean!" Sam hissed. "I-I was freaked out, for God's sake; I wanted to take you to the hospital when you didn't wake up at the first place, b-but Cas healed you and there were no other injuries, o-only your hand, but it'll be alright, and.. and- and…" Sam ran out of breath and started breathe heavily, while trying to explain everything to his older brother. Then he looked straight him in the eye and shouted: "How could you make something so damn _stupid_ like _stabbing yourself_, Dean?" Sam finally cracked, eyes fixed on confused Dean. "Are you out of your mind? How dare you even _think_ about killing yourself, huh?"

"Sammy…"

"Don't _Sammy_ me, alright?"

"Calm down…" Dean tried again.

"NO! I'm not gonna calm down!" Sam screamed. "You stabbed yourself _in front of my eyes_ and you want me to calm down? You-you wanted to_ leave_ me!"

Suddenly Sam felt tears gathering in his eyes, all emotions that he kept for days were written on his face. "What would you do if you were in my place, huh, Dean? What would you do, if you'll see how you brother… how he tries… if you… what would… you…" Sam finally broke up in tears, not able to hold all the emotions any longer.

.

Dean felt guilt wash all over him when he heard Sam talking like this. He never wanted Sam to feel this bad because of him; he never wanted to hurt his Sammy… he just wanted him to be happy, and he really thought, that Sam will be happy without him.

But seeing him like this it was obvious, that he's far from being happy.

Dean tried to stay calm while listening Sam, but when he started to cry, Dean couldn't hold back any longer.

He jumped out of the bed, ignoring slightly itching in his stomach and the sudden dizziness, and hugged Sam as tightly as he managed.

"Shh… shhh.. it's okay, Sammy, it's okay…" he mumbled to Sam with soft voice, not letting go his trembling shoulders.

"But… but…" Sam started to say, sobbing, but Dean cut him off.

"Sam, it's okay, it's okay, ya hear me? I'm here and you're here, we're both here. Everything's over, I promise, Sam, calm down… shh… calm down…" Dean whispered to his ear, still holding his brother tightly.

They stood here, not moving for a long, long brotherly moment.

But all moments have to end once.

So did this one.

.

"Dean, you can let go of me now" Sam said.

Dean did like he was told, but from the sudden movement he felt dizzy and room started to swim. He faltered.

Sam cached him with strong arms and planted on the bed.

"Whoa, man, are you alright? You don't look so good." Sam pointed out while he stared at Dean worriedly. "That blood loss still affecting you, huh?"

"Yeah, probably" Dean practically whispered to Sam. He lowered his head and closed his eyes, wanting to room to stop spinning.

"Dean? If there's something wrong, tell me right now, I'm not kidding in there. You're paler than before."

Dean just shook his head, mumbling "M'fine"

Sam watched him for a second and then gave Dean his flask. "Drink this, you'll feel better."

Dean did as he told; he swallowed few big sips from the flask and gave it back to Sam."Thanks," he added.

"Dean, why don't you lay down, huh? We'll talk later, you still need to rest, have your strength back." Sam pointed out, but still gazing Dean with worried look. "Man, are you really alright?" he asked again, and then remembered something. "Wait, you're not having one of those attacks, are you?" Sam panicked.

Now Dean was lying on his bed, eyes closed, but he really wasn't feeling so good.

"No, Sam, I don't think I'm having any of them, not now at least…"

"Good." Sam felt relief. "Now get some sleep. I'll be right beside you when you'll wake up."

"Mhm…" Dean mumbled, already half asleep.

Sam sat down in his chair and wondered, did Dean really understand what they, well, he, was talking about or not. He still looked a little out of it, confused and unsure about everything. And tired. It was so just unlike Dean…

Sam looked at Dean again and smiled slightly.

Dean was still calling him 'Sammy'.


	15. it's not for you to decide

**Chapter 13**

.

_One of the hardest parts of life_

_is deciding whether_

_to walk away or try harder_

.

Sam yawned.

It'd been four long hours since Dean had woken up. And all that time Sam sat beside him, not going anywhere. But now he was hungry.

Sam heard his stomach demanding for food for the second time in the last ten minutes.

"Okay, okay," Sam mumbled quietly. He stood up and looked at Dean for a moment. He really didn't want to leave his brother alone. 'But nothing will happen in a few minutes, right? Dean has been peacefully sleeping all this time, not even flinching a bit, so why should he now?' Sam thought, and quickly headed to the kitchen.

_._

_Dean was dreaming._

_He was running and running in the woods, before he reached a building. It was a small wooden house, surrounded by __a __white fence and high oak trees, with a garden in front, and a green lawn. Under one of the trees there __was__ a wooden bench, just waiting for someone to sit on it __and relax__. It looked charming._

_Dean __halted and __stood. __He was__ surprised, that little house looked like __it was straight out of a fairy tale__ and__ so deep in the woods, it was almost impossible to believe it was real.__ That was strange, but he was tired of endless running, so he __didn't question it much and __just went through__ the garden, __ and sat on the bench._

_A gentle breeze blew __on__ his face._

_Dean closed his eyes; it was so quiet and peaceful around, sun was shining, it was __a__ warm and sunny summer day. __It __felt like nothing bad could happen in this magical place and shouldn't have that alerted him? for some damn reason, it didn't._

_Dean didn't know how long he was sitting there, when suddenly __the __weather went cold._

_He opened his eyes._

_Sun wasn't shining anymore and instead, there were dark clouds all over the sky; even the breeze was cold and wintry, more like the beginning of a storm. Everything around was blank and it all looked dead._

_"You can't escape from me, Dean" said a very cold spiteful voice._

_Dean froze for a second before he turned around to face the person possessing the voice._

_"You're not real. You're dead. You can't be here." Dean said, trying to hide the raising panic in his voice._

_Alastair smiled._

_"Of course I can, Dean-o. In fact, not only I can be here, I also am very real. Just for you.' He stepped closer. 'And how'd you even know I'm really dead? You couldn't know for sure, can you?" he smiled again._

_Dean stood up and pulled the knife from his pocket._

_"You're not real" he said again, his voice losing the brave tone from before._

_"But you're not sure, are you?' demon stepped closer once again, while Dean stepped back. 'C'mon, why are you running from me, huh? You know you'll never get that far, I'll always find you, wherever you try and hide from me."_

_Dean was staring at the scene in front of him with utter disbelief. It wasn't possible, it couldn't be real._

_"And still, you don't wanna believe that I'm real, Dean? Well, I am real. To you. That's enough for both of us, isn't it?" Alastair asked, smirking. "C'mon, we spend so much time together. In Hell. Don't tell me you didn't like it, Dean, because you did. You knew, you were right where you'd always belonged. I mean, you still think that you deserve to burn in Hell, am I right, Dean?"_

_The Winchester felt anger crawling up at him._

_"You shut your pie hole, Alastair. I'm not in Hell, not anymore. And you're dead; you can do nothing to me. you hear me you son of a bitch? Nothing."_

_"Are you sure?" now Alastair was only five feet away from Dean and wasn't that just sickening. "I've told you before, I am real in your head, which means, I can do all I want. And there's no one to stop me, no Cas to stop me from killing you, and no Sam to kill me." Alastair smirked and put a hand on Dean's shoulder as he shivered from the touch. "It's just you and me now, Dean."_

_Dean stared at Alastair silently, his chest taking in oxygen and his mind racing. It didn't take him long to decide and stab the demon with his knife._

_Alastair stepped back, Ruby's knife buried in his chest. It had done nothing to him, there weren't even drops of blood staining the shirt, and now Dean was really starting to panic, watching as the demon pulled the knife out of his heart very slowly._

_"Well, well, Dean, you wanna play in a nasty way? And why are you so surprised, huh?" he asked with a little smirk. "Deep down you already know, the only one who can get hurt in this place… is you."_

_Dean couldn't move; he stood there frozen, staring at what his mind was feeding him. What he'd witnessed a few seconds ago wasn't promising, not to him anyways. He'd stabbed Alastair with the demon knife, and it hadn't done any harm. He was screwed to god's pit._

_Suddenly a huge lightning flashed across the dark cloudy sky._

_"Let's have some fun, Dean, shall we?" Alastair said with a low and dangerous tone._

_Dean wanted to step back, but he seemed to be stuck, screwed to the ground under his feet. The demon appeared in front of him and stabbed him hard in the right shoulder._

_Dean screamed in pain and shock, falling to the ground. He wanted nothing more than to get away from the pain, from Alastair, but that just wasn't going to happen._

_Alastair smirked bigger and pushed the knife in his flesh deeper, making Dean scream in even more agony._

_"Oh, c'mon, Dean, this is just the beginning, and you know it well." Alastair pull out the knife and put it in Dean's other shoulder. "You know, Sam still hates you" he said quietly, watching as disbelief and fear flashed through the Winchester's face, shadowing those green eyes for a moment._

_"He doesn't." Dean spat out._

_Alastair laughed and twisted knife again._

_"Oh, he does, Dean. You see, he's tired of that burden, to take care of you, to watch out for your sorry ass, he's tired of it. He said that he doesn't hate you, but you know what? Sam lied. He only said that because he wanted to leave you as soon as possible, Dean. Admit it, you're just a burden to him. It'll be better if you just leave him alone, huh?" the demon said, enjoying the pain that crossed over Dean's pale face._

_For a moment Dean hesitated, but finally asked him:_

_"So why the hell did he save me, huh? Why didn't he just let me die?"_

_The demon laughed._

_"Isn't it obvious? He wants to see how you suffer, he is enjoying it!" now he was twisting the knife through Dean's chest, while Dean screamed again. He was just surprised, how he wasn't dead from the blood loss and wounds yet. But he felt something break inside of him, when Alastair said those words. They sounded like truth, but he didn't want to believe them._

_"You're lying" he whispered._

_"Am I?" Alastair asked again, staring at Dean, who had started to shake heavily. "Look at yourself, boy, you're a mess. You are worse now than you were when you got out of hell. Hell had messed you up, but somehow, you'd locked all that pain, all that misery deep inside of yourself. And you've been doing that for years, every time someone hurt you, every single time! And now look where it's led you" he pointed at him. "You finally exploded! And now there's no use in keeping you alive, not to Sammy."_

_Dean let out a painful gasp._

_"I'm gonna… kill you."_

_The demon laughed again._

_"Boy, the only person you can kill… is you."_

_Dean looked at him._

_"Go to Hell."_

_Alastair smiled, eyes sparkling dangerously._

_"With pleasure."_

_Dean let out relieved breath when Alastair disappeared from his view, but it didn't last long as seconds later all he knew was white hot pain running through his system. He screamed at the top of his lungs, falling to the ground, tears rolling down his face. He felt like back in Hell again. And then he heard the demon speak again._

_"You know you deserve this, Dean, there's no escape for you this time. After all you did, you deserve this pain, deserve every second of it!" Alastair's voice rang through his ears, sending more pain to him. "You ran away from me once, but you will not run away this time, because you can't run away from yourself!" The voice started to laugh uncontrollably, then again, started to torture Dean with words. "They hate you, Dean! Both, Cas and Sammy, your little brother you love so much, they hate you!" Dean heard Sam's voice inside of his head screaming 'I hate you, Dean! I. hate. You!' and then Alastair talked again. "They want you dead! You ruined their lives, just like you ruin everything! None of this would have happened if you'd stayed in Hell like you should have! None of this! You are truly pathetic, you worthless piece of…"_

_"ENOUGH!"_

_Everything stopped._

_Dean blinked a few times, forcing some air in his starving lungs, still on the ground; bloody, tired, exhausted from that agony he'd just been through. Now there was no pain running through him, just slightly itching, no Alastair, no voice, there was nothing, just… silence._

_Something, someone just interrupted all of it._

_"Enough." that voice said again with a low, yet dangerous tone and it sounded familiar to Dean._

_"Says who?" asked Alastair, again in front of a gasping Dean, blocking the view._

_"Me."_

_Finally Dean recognized the voice._

_"Cas?" he asked, not believing his eyes._

_The angel looked Dean in the eyes, sky blue meeting green ones, and said:_

_"Yes, Dean, it's me. And it's time for you to wake up now."_

_Dean didn't move, but Alastair stepped towards Castiel._

_"No way, angel, Dean stays right here, with me, where he knows he belongs and gets what he deserves."_

_Castiel's face turned angry._

_"He is not where he belongs. He belongs with us, with me and with Sam. This is all happening in his head and you're not even real. So, step out of my way."_

_Alastair didn't move a flinch, smirking wider._

_"That's for Dean to decide." He turned his face so he could look Dean in the eye. "Whatdya say, boy? You know that you deserve this, right?" he asked, his smirk evident in his voice._

_Castiel stepped closer, trying to get Dean's attention._

_"Dean, do not listen to him, he's lying!" he shouted. "You belong with us, Dean; you don't deserve any of this. Believe ME." He almost pleaded when Dean didn't turn his gaze off Alastair. "Please, Dean."_

_Finally, Dean turned his eyes to meet the angel's again._

_Castiel didn't like what he saw in the Winchester's eyes; real or not, Alastair had messed with his head again._

_"Dean, please. You have to believe me; you need to wake up from this! None of this is real, it's just a dream! All you have to do is wake up!"_

_Dean stared at him for a long moment, still not sure of what to do. He wanted to go with Cas, but he deserved to be punished. After what seemed like an eternal battle, he finally made his choice._

_"What should I do?" he asked quietly, looking at the angel._

_Castiel smiled brightly and walked towards Dean._

_"Just take my hand and let me lead you out of here."_

_Dean didn't turn his gaze from the angel eyes, scared, that if he did, everything would disappear and he'd be back in hell again._

_Alastair screamed furiously._

_"Nooo! He'll stay here!" he shouted, running towards them._

_Cas raised his hand and Alastair flew straight into a tree and slumped on the grass._

_Castiel gently picked Dean up from the ground and embraced him around the waist, helping him walk._

_"You can't keep him outta here for long, Castiel" Alastair whispered back at him. "Eventually, he'll come back. And then he'll die. And you will watch him die" he warned._

_"He won't. I won't let him. We won't let him fall back again, "he promised, looking at Alastair furiously ._

_"He will fall again." the demon smirked again._

_"That is not for you to decide." Cas said, heading towards the exit with a barely walking Dean._

_"But it's not yours to either."_

_With that, everything went dark._

.

Sam came back from the kitchen five minutes later and saw Dean almost falling out of the bed.

"Dean!" he shouted and grabbed his falling brother, laying him safely on the bed again.

Dean cried out in pain.

"Dean!" Sam shouted again, shaking him, but nothing happened; Dean's eyes were still closed and he was clearly in pain.

The younger Winchester started to panic.

Dean was white as a sheet.

"Dean! Please, don't do this to me, man, c'mon, wake up!" Sam pleaded tearfully, his own hunger forgotten.

Dean didn't react to his voice or shaking, just let out another painful cry.

Sam didn't know what else to do, so he prayed for Castiel to show up immediately.

"Sam? What is it? Is it… oh God…" Cas showed up after a few seconds and looked at Sam before his eyes fell on Dean.

"Cas? What's wrong with him? I can't wake him up!" Sam shouted at the angel, panicking, tears in his eyes already.

"Sam, please calm down!" Cas asked and headed straight to Dean. Then placed a palm on his forehead. "He's burning up." he added.

"What? No, he didn't have any fever ten minutes ago!" Sam protested.

"Then it's the effect of his current state, nightmare or whatever you call it."

"Wait, so he's having a nightmare?" Sam almost laughed. "You're kidding me, right?"

"I am not kidding you, Sam." Angel turned his face to Sam. "It's not a normal nightmare where you wake up at the scariest part of it, this is… it's like he's locked in his own Hell with no chances to get out of it. And it's literally hurting him."

All signs of smiling on younger Winchester's face were replaced with worry and fear again.

"What do you mean 'locked in his own Hell?'" he asked.

Castiel let out a deep breath.

"It means, that Dean is locked in his own mind, that dream or whatever, and everything he sees is real to him. And no matter how much pain he feels, no matter how much he's hurting, he can't wake up from it. And in his current state, it's hurting his soul."

Sam paled.

"So what the hell should we do?" he almost screamed, eyes wide open with fear of what could happen.

"I'm gonna help him outta here, I have to lead him out from that place. I have to convince him to go with me."

"Okay. Wait… out of what place?" Sam asked with hard voice, demanding Cas to answer. "Cas, what is he seeing?"

"There's no time for this."

"Cas!"

Angel let out a deep breath and said quickly:

"He's seeing Alastair and he's torturing him. Again. Also, he's hearing you screaming at him _'I hate you'_." Cas placed his hand on Dean again. "Now shut up and be ready. I'll try to get him out of there, but I don't know what state he'll be in. Don't interrupt me." With that he closed his eyes and started saving mission.

Dean went quiet.

.

Sam waited.

And waited.

And waited.

Just ten minutes had passed, but for Sam it looked like an hour or more.

Castiel retreated from Dean and Dean gasped loudly. It looked like he couldn't get enough air in his lungs and he coughed.

"Dean? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, man, you okay?" Sam immediately ran over Dean and grabbed his slightly shaking hand in his, demanding for attention.

Dean stopped coughing and slumped back at the pillow, looking a little exhausted.

"Sam?" he asked with disbelief.

"Yeah, man, it's me and Cas is over there. How are you, Dean?" he asked again, worriedly.

Dean stared at him for a second and said "I'm fine." Then searched the room looking for Cas.

"Dean, you are not fine." Castiel said, stepping into Dean's view. "If you can't even sleep without nightmares like this, I'll help you sleep. Because not sleeping does nothing good for your health."

Dean said nothing just stared at them, first at Sam, then at Cas, and finally turn his gaze into his lap.

'Just leave me alone" he mumbled leaning back on a pillow in a half-sitting position.

Sam and Cas shared a gaze.

"No, Dean, we're not going anywhere." Sam stepped closer and sat on the bed. "You like it or not, I'm not going anywhere before we talk."

"Oh, now he wants to talk." Dean mumbled. "Talk to Cas if y'want to talk."

Dean knew that he's acting like a jerk, but he wanted to send Sammy away; away from him, away from everything. He just wanted him to be happy. And he believed what Alastair in his dream said, that he's just a burden to Sam. He truly believed that.

And Sam saw it; he saw straight through Dean, he knew what his brother was thinking.

"Dean, listen. I know what you doing here and it won't work. I'm not going anywhere like I've already told you before. Not now, not after a month, not ever." Sam gently put a hand on Dean's shoulder. "I know you've been through a lot lately and I know it wasn't easy for you. But you gotta keep fighting, Dean…"

"Who says I want to?" Dean said with tearful voice, finally raising his eyes to meet Sam's. "I'm tired of it, alright? I just want it to finally end, that's it. Is that too much to ask?" he asked, tears in his eyes, but still looking at Sam.

Sam felt his own eyes filling with tears after Dean's words.

"Dean, when you choose to go with me back there, you also choose to fight." Castiel said, stepping closer. "And it doesn't look to me, that you're fighting."

"Damn right, Cas, I'm not!" Dean shouted at loud, couldn't hold back tears anymore, which were streaming down his face now and crashing in his lap. "I'm tired of this endless fighting, tired for ruining all the things up, I'm just tired of it! All I'm doing these past few months is just waisting damn oxygen, nothing more! I-I can't do this anymore, alright? I-I…" Dean ran out of breath and started shaking heavily.

'Dean, Dean, hey, calm down, just breath, nice and slow, man, in and out…" Sam immediately was by his side and tried to calm him down. "C'mon, man, breath, before you pass out, in and out, c'mon…" he said with soft voice, which was calming his brother in a matter of seconds. "That's it, bro, wasn't that hard, was it?" Sam smiled timidly. "Now drink some water and lay down, alright? Just lie down, don't fight me."

Dean said nothing just listened to Sam's voice and did like he was told to.

Then Sam turned to Cas and said:

"Get some extra blankets, will you? He's shivering a little."

Cas nodded and walked out through the door instead of vanishing.

Sam turned his attention to Dean again, who looked pretty exhausted after his breakdown.

"Look, Dean, I know you want to protect me, but you gotta understand me too, "he squeezed Dean's hand to get his attention. "I want you to be safe too. I want you to be happy and I don't ever want to see any of your fiasco like few days before, alright?"

Dean just blinked, but kept quiet.

"And I know that all this stuff, everything is total chaos in your head right now, and it's messing with you. It says a lot nasty things to you, but they're ain't true, Dean. You are not useless, you are not burden, you never were and you never will be." Sam talked still looking straight into Dean's eyes and seeing all the pain he'd been through, his heart shivered from sadness. "You're my big brother, Dean, and I will always, always be here for you and with you. And I-I love you, no matter what." Sam said, feeling his own tears running down his face now. Somehow, room felt lighter after his words.

Dean still said nothing, but didn't turn his gaze anywhere else.

"But you have to promise me something, Dean." Sam said.

Dean blinked few times and asked quietly: "What?"

"You gotta promise me, that you'll keep fighting, no matter how hard it gets, you will keep fighting." Sam said, and then added: "For me."

Dean glanced at him, not saying anything, but Sam saw something in his eyes that wasn't there before. Then he exclaimed:

"I'll try, Sammy."

For his little brother, for Sammy, Dean was ready to do anything; to claim into Hell and back if he had to.

Castiel came back with the blankets.

"Lie down, Dean, get some rest." Sam said softly, putting extra blankets on Dean.

Just before Cas touched his forehead and send him to a peaceful rest, Dean looked at Sam and said: "Thank you, Sammy."

And then he was asleep.

Sam didn't turn his gaze from his older brother, still wondering, what was that strange thing in his eyes, that he hadn't seen in a very, very long time.

And then, suddenly, he understood.

That feeling, that emotion, that little light in Dean's eyes…

It was hope.


End file.
